“The good memories are coming back” – Caroline’s story

Caroline very sadly lost her father and a close friend to suicide. After accessing our Swindon and Wiltshire Support After Suicide Service, she has finally been able to process her grief.

My dad had always been a strange part of my life. He was a biker, did drugs, was in and out of prison. He came and went a lot for the first 12 years of my life. You never knew which version of him you were going to get. He could either be really happy and playful, or you were terrified to move around him.

When I was 12, my parents got divorced. The drugs and everything stopped, and Dad became a completely different person. That person, that dad, is the one I grieve.

I had a knock on my door, around ten o’clock at night, from my mum and step-dad who told me that my dad had taken his own life. When he died, I had a really good relationship with him. We were very close.

I feel relieved that I can talk about it now. For so many years, it’s been so raw. I don’t talk about my emotions like that. Its like there’s this cupboard full of boxes. Every now and then, some of them fall out of the cupboard and all of the contents spill. You have to pick it up and shove it back in the cupboard quickly; get on with your life. I had four small children, so life got extremely hectic very quickly. I never really dealt with my dad’s suicide.

At Christmas, two years ago, a close friend also took his own life and that really hit me like a ton of bricks. That was the catalyst for my downward spiral. When I was at his funeral, watching his three children breaking down, it brought everything crashing back to me – the way I felt when my dad went.

I’d go to where my dad died and break down every year – every Father’s Day, every birthday, every special occasion, every bad day – I’d go to where he died and scream. I thought that was normal, what grief was and how it feels.

I got to a really bad point the following Christmas, during my friend’s death anniversary. Suicide was all I could think about and I was so, so low. The doctor referred me to Rethink Support After Suicide. It is the best thing that has ever happened. It was hard to face things I hadn’t been dealing with and the support through it was absolutely fantastic. Gary, my support worker, listened to my heartbreak and helped me put things back together in a safe time and place.

Gary helped me realise that the guilt I’d been carrying, for not seeing the signs, was misplaced; that I had no reason to feel guilty. That was a really big thing for me. Gary told me to not be so hard on myself. That I’m not responsible for other people’s actions, feelings or thoughts.

Gary helped me with simple tools as well, like journalling. Just being able to write things down and focus on being in the moment, then reading back to process it, has made such a big difference. I have quite a hectic life with the kids and grandkids, so Gary said I should take time out for myself and find something to do. So, I signed up to a painting course:

I still struggle with thinking about my emotions. But for the first time in 30 years, on the anniversary of my dad’s death, I didn’t feel the need to go to where he died and break down. It was a massive milestone for me.

I honestly feel like I’m over it, as best as I can be. I feel more like myself. I can enjoy time with my grandchildren more. I’ve got the tools now to cope with whatever life throws at me. I can think about my dad without the pain. I can think of the good times – swimming in the river with him, going for picnics together. Now that the guilt isn’t there anymore, the good memories are coming back.