“Trauma can come in all shapes and sizes” - Julian’s story
11/08/2025
A stock photo has been used on this blog at the request of the author.
After losing his father, Julian’s relationship with football took a dark turn and developed into grief-related trauma. He explores how the seemingly mundane activity of watching football became incredibly anxiety-provoking in his adult life.
I lost my father when I was 19. We used to go to football together all the time when I was a kid, especially Leeds games as we were big fans. The support for Leeds ran in the family, passed down through the generations – it was our sense of identity. When my Dad sadly became ill, we couldn’t go together anymore and I started going to other clubs. Watching Leeds without Dad was almost unthinkable.
I tried to go to Leeds games after he passed, but would sometimes have panic attacks in the stadium remembering my Dad and where we used to sit during my childhood. It was a really intense emotion, taking me right back to that time of my life. A visceral sensory experience – the sounds of the crowd, the smells from the burger vans, the shortness of breath when standing on a packed terrace. It was like Elland Road, Leeds became a memorial to him and to us, and I could see him everywhere.
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It was like Elland Road, Leeds became a memorial to him and to us, and I could see him everywhere
The emotional intensity has got worse over the years. I tried everything to keep my distance from football and from Leeds: following scores online instead of watching games, supporting a different team, even trying to engage with other sports more, like cricket or rugby league. But football is a thing I can’t seem to get out of and it became an unhealthy obsession. There were times when I’d deliberately avoid certain contexts, in fear that people would want to talk to me about Leeds’ current fortunes.
I’d have intense guilt about keeping my distance from football. Am I letting my Dad down by not going to see Leeds play? Would he see this as a betrayal? My Dad was the only person I wanted to talk to about this, to hear what he would think of it if he was still here.
I've started the process of trying to deal with some long-term trauma. One of the things I've recognised is that I have a traumatic relationship with football. Usually, sadly, this prompts people to laugh and be a little bit dismissive, which makes me feel painfully inadequate and impacts severely on my self-esteem. But trauma can come in all shapes and sizes. It is more complicated than we think.
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