Connect more, worry less: A Q&A with Rachel Kelly

Rachel Kelly is a best-selling writer, speaker and campaigner who has shared her own lived experience in her work. She has been a valued ambassador for Rethink Mental Illness over many years. We interviewed Rachel following the publication of her recent book, The Gift of Teenagers: Connect More, Worry Less. Together, we explored misconceptions, generational differences and how to have supportive conversations with children and young people about their mental health.

There is so much concern around how poor mental health is affecting our children and young people. What led you to explore the angle that you’ve chosen for this book?

I've been writing and talking publicly about mental health since 2014 when I first wrote my memoir Black Rainbow about my own experience of two severe depressive episodes. About five years ago, I began getting messages from parents and caregivers who were worried about their adolescents. What did I advise? What might help? I began talking to adolescent psychiatrists and psychologists, and to teenagers, teachers and parents. It became clear to me that anxious teenagers can't cope when we parents and caregivers are overwhelmed too. My book is about ways we can address our own emotional needs and negative thinking styles, dial down the worry, and stay calm ourselves so we are better able to support our adolescents.

What do you feel are some of the biggest misconceptions parents have about teen mental health today?

One misconception is that being worried helps! I know how hard it is not to be concerned. When we worry, we feel we are doing something. But my experience of talking to teenagers is that they need us to be steady. Teenagers told me that the most helpful approach from their parents was to have faith in them; that they would recover, and to believe in their strengths.

Another misconception is quite how widespread the problems are. Yes, some teenagers are suffering severe problems. But some medical terms are now stretched to cover standard ranges of low mood. Take anxiety, the most common mental health condition worldwide for children. Anxiety is a normal feeling that everyone experiences. But when it is severe enough, it constitutes a mental health condition, known as generalised anxiety disorder. It is easy to confuse the two.

You suggest we might not need to be so fearful – how do you feel that parents can strike the right balance between concern and trust?

It's tricky to know exactly when we should be concerned, or simply trust all will be fine. Saying our child has a mental health condition assumes that there is a precise threshold they have reached, when there is not always such clear-cut line when it comes to mental health problems. Teenagers are naturally volatile, which means sometimes the nature of childhood symptoms (and therefore any diagnosis) will change over time. A sensible approach is to ask yourself – and others involved with your child, such as their teacher – a series of questions, while bearing in mind some of the confusion around this topic more broadly: how intense are the symptoms, and how long have they lasted? Does the problem feel overwhelming, to the point where the issue is dominating your teenager’s life? Is it putting your teenager’s physical safety in danger? And: would they like to get some help?

What have you learned about how parents can approach conversations with children and young people today. What helps? What doesn’t? 

Open questions help. So ask ‘What did the therapist say?’ rather than ‘How was your session?’ which is quite likely to get the monosyllabic answer ‘Fine’. Equally if you say, ‘Did therapy go well?’ the answer could be a simple yes or no. Instead you could say, ‘What were your feelings when you had therapy?’ 

It helps to acknowledge how hard it is for them to discuss mental health problems with you. Sometimes sharing a book about the struggles of young people finding their way can be more effective than anything you do. Or a simple ‘That must be really tough’ maybe all it takes. 

Panicking, revealing that you are shocked, or pretending you understand when you don’t are unhelpful. 

It feels like a cliché to go on about generational differences, but do you see a change in how young people approach and talk about mental health, compared to what you experienced, growing up?

Yes, and it’s great. Young people are more open, there is less stigma thanks to the work of charities like Rethink, and less judgement of those who suffer. 

If you could go back in time, what words of wisdom would you share with your younger self when it comes to how to navigate and support your children through their teenage years? 

There’s no such thing as mistakes, only chances to grow and learn. We grow up together through the teenage years. 

If you were in charge of looking after the mental health of young people in this country, and had an endless pot of money, what changes would you make to the system?

I would train thousands more adolescent psychiatrists to cope with the numbers needing help, especially for those with eating disorders. There are around 800 such experts, and around 800,000 young people accessing treatment for mental health conditions in 2024, according to the Royal College of Psychiatrists. We need more collaboration between schools, health, and community organisations so we provide a more holistic approach. And we need more research about what works, and what doesn’t, for young people who are suffering. 

Rachel Kelly is a bestselling writer, public speaker and mental health campaigner. She writes regularly for the press and gives TV and radio interviews to help educate and break down the stigma around mental illness in her role as an ambassador for several mental health charities. She also shares evidence-based strategies on how to stay calm and well and is the author of four books covering her experience of depression and recovery and her steps to wellbeing from poetry to nutrition.