Peter and Janine reflect on the death of their daughter, Becky, who very sadly took her life 18 months ago. They were offered support from Rethink Mental Illness’ Support After Suicide service in Surrey, which is run in partnership with the Surrey County Council.

It is the day we will never forget: Becky took her life on October 11, 2023. She was just 25 years old and our youngest daughter. 

The Surrey Police told us the next morning. For the youngest officer it was his ‘first time’, so we ended up feeling sorrier for him than ourselves in the fog and unreality of that conversation. 

This was the first of so many new, unusual and unwanted experiences that have barged into our life over the past 18 months. So, so many.

Becky struggled with mental health issues since early teens. She found a circuitous route through education, struggling to know who she was. She used CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) but was cut loose at 18, and struggled again in the poorly resourced adult world of mental health services.

She was the happiest writing, drawing, singing or immersed in her online world of gaming and streaming. Just before COVID-19, she started to find her feet with the help of the Prince’s Trust. She had a couple of jobs in web design and online education, before a new boyfriend and his degree led them to Derby. She found her ideal placement in digital marketing there, was making her mark and seemed to be happy.

Sadly, the relationship did not last. Soon after they broke up, she took her life, reaching for a tool that should never have been in her tool box - the thought that the only way to end her pain was to end her life. We do not blame the boyfriend -relationships end all the time without suicide. The decision to end her life was Becky’s, although we wish with all our heart that she’d never made it.

The pain of sudden loss is visceral and overwhelming. It shrinks your world and numbs your ability to fully engage. Underneath the resilience and professionalism, all we wanted to do was weep. It is like a mugger who strikes when least expected, or being in a washing machine but not knowing where you are in the cycle. Then, just as you feel you are making progress, like a game of snakes and ladders grief strikes again, and you slide back down to a point where you were days or weeks ago.

Since that unforgettable date, we’ve had to tell the family, arrange a funeral, bury her ashes, deal with the police (some more helpful than others), navigate a mental health trust, liaise with a coroner for an inquest that has yet to occur, deal with numerous companies to close accounts (some more unhelpful than others), decide what to do with her ‘stuff’ and online presence, navigating what order to do it in. 

There is still so much to do, and as those who were left behind, these are responsibilities we never wanted

We were directed to Rethink Mental Illness through the Surrey County Council website. After filling out the online request form, we were quickly contacted by a support worker.

Annabelle visited weekly and gave us space to talk and cry as we started to come to terms with Becky’s death. She quietly and skilfully guided us through the maelstrom of emotions that surfaced, offered insights into dealing with those unfamiliar tasks, encouraged us as we took steps forward and offered professional advice on the mental health reviews that are still ongoing.

She enrolled us in peer support groups online and introduced us to others who had also lost a child to suicide, all members of a club no one wanted to join, each talking through their unique and diverse stories with that one common experience of suicide.

It is comforting to know we are not alone. We learnt that talking really does help. Annabelle helped us to think realistically, not dwelling on what ‘might have been’ or ‘if only we knew’, but pointing out that not knowing was understandable, given all the circumstances.

The Sermon on the Mount says, ‘blessed are those that mourn, for they will be comforted’. 18 months ago, we did not feel ‘blessed’, but since Becky’s death we have been comforted by family, friends who have stayed with us, our church, but above all, by the care of the professionals that have helped us. It has made us feel we can put our head above our parapet of grief and share our story with the aim of giving comfort or support to others and, perhaps, save lives. 

Rethink has put us on our feet, helped us come to terms with our grief and moved us forward. There is still a way to go and accepting our new normal will take years, but Rethink has given us an effective start and the tools to cope, for which we are grateful.