"A bully in my head" - Rose's story

21/09/2022

Trigger warning – suicide and suicidal ideation.

For Suicide Prevention Month, Rose talks to us about the differing opinions on suicide, her own experience of suicidal thoughts and the importance of putting yourself first when searching for ways to cope.

Suicide is a complex thing. It's not always a big cut and dry thing. And people seem to have either one of two views: that it's selfish or that they've experienced it themselves.

I've attempted various times in my life, so many times that I couldn't even tell you a number. Most were through self-harming. And most I didn’t tell people. I still haven't. I only had to go to hospital once.

That was throughout my teenage years. Wasn't always the easiest, greatly misunderstood, failed by the system, bullied from most angles. Many reasons why I did it. But none of the attempts made a difference. I didn’t feel better or worse.

My last attempt was April 2018. I didn’t go for my usual technique. I remember waking up that morning and deciding, I can’t do it anymore. But I made sure to have a really good day with people. It brought me peace. I had my plan and nothing was going to change that.

  • I wasn't always the easiest, greatly misunderstood, failed by the system, bullied from most angles. Many reasons why I did it. But none of the attempts made a difference. I didn’t feel better or worse.

To this day, not many know why I did it. But that's ok. Not everyone needs to know the reason. Not everyone needs to know where, what, how, why. It’s not that that matters. What matters is that you got to a place where you saw no way out, no future, and just emptiness and loneliness.

Of course, I wasn't successful. And that good day turned into a day from hell, for everyone else.

For me, that day scared me. Not because of doing it. But how easy it was.

After that day, things were hazy. If I'm honest, I barely remember anything. It just all blurred. A month of my life, I have no idea what I did.

What brought me out of it was I was pregnant with my eldest. Then my days were brought on by harder and different challenges.

But suicidal thoughts haven't gone. Three months after having my eldest, my mental health took a turn and the thoughts were constant. I was on suicide watch for two months 24/7 at home and then it was decided to send me to a mother and baby unit for three months.

It wasn't because I wanted to. It was having the voice in my head constantly telling me how, why, when. It was exhausting. It was a bully in my head all the time. As soon as I was on my own, it was hard to ignore that voice.

But with the right people, the right support, and the right medication, I got through it.

  • It wasn't because I wanted to. It was having the voice in my head constantly telling me how, why, when. It was exhausting. It was a bully in my head all the time. As soon as I was on my own, it was hard to ignore that voice.

It’s three years later. And I'll have a suicidal thought once a month. Maybe once a week. Sometimes I'll get urges. But I've accepted that that’s part of me. And that’s ok.

You'll come across people who can't understand it. I know people who find it selfish but it's because they've lost someone to it. Some have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) because of it.

I've lost someone to suicide.

And you'll always get someone who says it's attention seeking.

It’s personal to you. No one else. It shouldn't be shamed or ignored. You will find support that works for you.

Could be music, talking to someone, reading, writing, a walk, Netflix. Whatever works for you. Whatever you need to do for you to be able to get past those overwhelming thoughts and urges. Because they'll ease.

I saw no way out. Even looking back, I don’t regret what I did. I needed that time to show how bad things can get. To learn signs. I know when I need to get support now.

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