“I’m finally letting my scars fade” – Jenna’s story

After attempting suicide, Jenna was diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD). She reflects on her progress since, noting the value of gratitude journalling and Rethink Mental Illness’ self-help guides.

In January 2025, I came home from an inpatient stay in psychiatric hospital, which began in October 2024. It was my third admission in a three year period, and a very clear indicator of my fluctuating mental health. But, as unpredictable as my frame of mind can be, I’ve started to learn about the thought patterns and sequence of behaviours that take over when things get tough.

It’s taken a long time for me to understand these emotional shifts. Despite being in the mental health system for a number of years, I wasn’t diagnosed with EUPD until my first admission. It took being observed 24 hours a day, for more than two months, for mental health professionals to recognise the complexity of my EUPD traits. 

As reassuring as it was to finally have a name for my overwhelming and challenging emotional state, it didn’t end the impact it was having. In fact, my instability has ended friendships, employment and a long-term relationship. My mental volatility is often worsened by my autism; sensory overwhelm, misunderstanding others and struggling socially are just some of the ways my wellness is impacted. 

In just trying to cope day-to-day, it’s been easy to forget how much has changed since the attempt I made on my life. But recently, it’s become more obvious quite how different everything is now.

It’s been over a decade since I first started self-harming, and throughout that time, it’s been a recurring coping mechanism. However, for the past few months it hasn’t been something I’ve felt the need to rely on. I’m finally letting my scars fade, and that feels like huge progress.

The transition away from self-harming has been a conscious adjustment in how I manage difficult thoughts and feelings. Therapists, friends and written resources have offered a number of suggestions over the years. For me, there are only a few that actually work, but I'm glad I have collated a selection that I’ve found to be effective. 

Rethink’s self-help guides for managing self-harm, suicidal thoughts and panic attacks, have been pivotal in some of the most overwhelming moments. The positive impact of the resources is three-fold: firstly, the recognition that what I'm going through is challenging and can quickly feel unmanageable is really validating; secondly the diversity of suggestions means there’s almost always at least one that is helpful in any given situation; and lastly the intentional act of reading through the guide becomes a form of delaying the self-harm and a brief distraction that breaks the emotional intensity.

I’ve also started keeping a gratitude journal. I've had it recommended to me multiple times, and while I’m willing to try most things, for a long time I just couldn’t see the benefit in it. I’d start documenting my gratitude, but very quickly run out of motivation or be in too dark a place to believe that something so seemingly trivial could possibly help me. However, by persevering beyond the initial lack of immediate results, my mindset has completely changed as a result.

A year on from my first day in hospital, I caught myself frowning at my undone shoelaces while walking. As I lowered onto one knee to re-tie them, I felt my frustration quickly fade. Instead, I thought: ‘How lucky am I to be able to re-tie my shoe laces?’ These were the same trainers I was wearing this time last year, in fact the only pair of shoes I wore from October to January. But back then, for my safety, any potential ligatures were taken away, which included the laces out of my trainers. I suddenly felt so glad to have laces in my shoes again because of the years’ worth of progress and growth they represented.