“I lost both my parents to suicide” – Deborah’s story

Deborah explores her complicated journey navigating suicide bereavement. With help from our Gloucestershire Support After Suicide Service, she is in a much calmer place.

I’ve experienced two suicides. They were both my parents. My mother died when I was four. I’m 56 now, so there have been many, many years of trying to deal with it.

My issues have been coming out sideways. The trauma was impacting my personal relationships – insecurity, abandonment and feelings of betrayal. I thought I should probably try to deal with these things because it was affecting my life. I contacted Cruse, a bereavement charity, as suggested by my NHS therapist and they referred me to Rethink Gloucestershire Support After Suicide.

It started with a telephone introduction. Initially, I was hesitant to open up. I knew I needed to, but didn’t know if I wanted to discuss the whole thing again.

From our first face-to-face meeting, it was incredible. I felt really comfortable with Lisa, my bereavement support worker, and pleased that I’d found her. She really, really guided me through a lot of things. We actually got on so well and I was sad when our sessions came to an end.

Because my story is quite horrific, in terms of losing both my parents to suicide, not a lot of people can actually even relate to it. It’s a lot of information to share with friends, for example. So, the most refreshing thing was being heard. I really felt very deeply understood. Lisa had such empathy. I found someone I could talk to and she heard me, helped me to feel less alone.

She guided me to ‘inner child’ work, signposted me to various books on trauma, encouraged me to start a journal and write to my mother. She encouraged me to meet different kinds of people. I joined a writing group thanks to her. She encouraged me to make a timeline of grief. She just had so much knowledge and gave me very valuable tasks to do. I saw her for nearly three months.

There was something else Lisa told me. It was to acknowledge that this was a big thing that happened. I always saw tears and vulnerability as a weakness, but she taught me that it was actually a strength. I was scared to cry, I don’t like to feel that pain, but she reminded me that the tears will stop. I was able to cry a lot in the three months and I believe it helped me release those emotions.

After three months, I felt ready to leave the service but I liked that I could call back if I needed to - the door hadn’t been closed. I experienced a lot of anxiety – I’d also just started a new job during that period - but all that had lifted. I could just feel that I was in a much more joyful place. I feel much lighter.

Suicide was taboo in the 1970s. I wasn’t allowed to go to my mother’s funeral. All of her pictures were taken down, it was like she didn’t exist. I don’t have one memory of her, so it was very hard for me. Now, I’ve got pictures of her on my mantel piece. I don’t look at them with sadness.

My father has a bit of a different story because he took his life the night before my wedding. We focused mainly on my mother’s death in the sessions, so there probably is work to do there. But only when I feel the time is right.

I’m three months into this new job working in adult social care. It basically feels like I’ve got my my dream job. I’ve also got a grandchild and a loving relationship. My life is better than its ever been. It has taken a long time.

I’m very determined to break the cycle of suicide in my family. Hopefully, my story can be encouragement for people who maybe haven’t dealt with suicide bereavement in their past.

It’s not as scary as I thought. The healing that has come with it makes me wish I’d done it sooner. I’d encourage people to not be scared of reaching out. There’s so much healing to be done. It takes time and baby steps. You’re never going to get over these things or be ‘fixed’, but we can somewhat heal and have acceptance, which I feel I’ve got now.