“I was in bed for about three months” – Denise’s story

After Denise very sadly lost her son to suicide, Rethink’s Support After Suicide Service reached out to her. With their help, she is slowly finding ways to make sense of her grief.

Those early days are very hazy and difficult to recount. I was in bed for about three months following his death. I remember I started speaking to Lisa, a suicide bereavement worker from Gloucestershire Support After Suicide, about six weeks after my son died when I was still in traumatic shock. Without them, I don’t know where I’d be. It’s the best service I’ve come across in a long, long time.

I’ve chosen to speak with Lisa over the phone, but you can also meet in person. Her knowledge is just incredible. She’s explained to me that grief regarding suicide is different. She always encourages me and says that I’m doing so well, even when I think I’m not. If my sleep has been particularly disturbed, I speak to her about that and she just explains everything in a way that is understandable.

The service has helped me to make sense of my grief. Any silly questions, thoughts or bad dreams – anything at all - I could talk to my suicide bereavement worker about it and she’d help me make sense of it. The sessions always brought me back around to myself. I could speak to her feeling really bad, thinking that I’m a failure or a guilty mother, and then I’d come off the phone and feel as though all of those feelings are perfectly normal given what’s happened.

She’s seen me through a couple of big milestones, for example, Christmas and my son’s birthday. She’s got me writing down the positive things people say about me to look back on when I think I’m not doing well.

I’ve come out of the shock now and am just dealing with the awful grief that comes along with suicide. Lisa is helping me navigate my way through that. We’re trying to extend the sessions as much as possible, for example, my last session will be on his anniversary. I don’t want it to end. I’ve got to stand on my own two feet, but I know that I can always ring them back at any time.

I haven’t really been out the past year, only four times since he died. I’ve just started going out again. I spend time with his friends which is lovely. It’s good to be around them – they get strength from me and I get strength from them.

If you are going through this too, I would recommend reaching out to your nearest suicide support service, whatever it is. The grief is so traumatically different. If there isn’t a Rethink Support After Suicide Service near you, there’s the CALM helpline and Papyrus. Reach out to someone, even if you only do it once. I couldn’t have done it without Rethink, it would’ve been a million times harder than it already is. I feel that they’ve got my back and they’ve almost seen me through a whole year.

Ten people a day are dying by suicide. I feel very strongly that we’ve got to talk about suicide, as painful as it is, because there are just no signs sometimes. There was nothing to indicate that my son was going to end his life.