My experience of hallucinations – Imogen’s story

A stock photo has been used on this blog at the request of the author. 

Imogen lives with schizophrenia. She sheds light on the different types of hallucinations she’s experienced and how she manages her stress levels.

I was so happy to be pregnant and expecting my first baby. I'd previously changed my career into administrative work, but as I was inexperienced, I had a temporary contract which eventually ended due to funding.

During my pregnancy, I moved house. The new psychiatrist withdrew my medication and I quickly became ill. I started to see visions of my managers standing in front of me, saying that I’d made mistakes which was the reason I was let go. Even though I had good feedback, I started to believe these voices. 

I was losing touch with reality and went to a mother and baby unit. This is where mothers who have serious mental illnesses can stay with their babies in a hospital ward, so they don't have to be parted. I had my own room with my baby. My husband and parents visited a lot.

My hallucinations got worse. I believed that my previous managers would go over every mistake I ever made in my career, saying I’d never get a job again; that they’d broadcast it to everyone.

The hallucinations became more varied too. I remember trying to read a book and the words looked as if they were rearranging themselves on the page. I thought they were animate and were trying to play tricks on me.

Soon, my thoughts turned from scary to what professionals called 'euphoric'. My grandad passed away while I was in hospital and I went to his funeral. When I got back, I walked to my hospital room and could see him standing there. He was with my nan, who died when I was five. I could see their outlines in white like they were ghosts. I believed I could talk to them and they were reassuring me. When I recovered, this was very upsetting, as I hadn’t actually spoken to them at all.

I also believed I could do magic and go to a ‘spirit world’ near Heaven, where magic would cure all of the world’s problems. I believed I could use magic to end wars and world poverty.

When the psychiatrist got the dosage of medication right, I started to gain some insight and realised that these 'visions' were interrupting my life. I stopped listening to them.

Now, my daughter is four and we are very close. I volunteer at the local library and am the secretary there. After my illness, I lost my stamina and had to sleep a lot. But as I recover, this is getting better. When I have enough stamina, I'll apply for a job.

I had counselling from a clinical psychologist which was so helpful. She said that severe stress can trigger symptoms of schizophrenia. I’m careful to manage my stress levels and take things slowly as I build up resilience and stamina. The psychologist has given me some strategies to use if I get stressed. The one I like the most is progressive muscle relaxation.

I used to get a side effect that I was a bit embarrassed about. My eyes would have involuntary movements where they moved upwards and I found it hard to look ahead to see where I was walking. Apparently, this is a common side-effect and I now manage it easily with side-effect medication.

I enjoy creative writing and use this to express my feelings. I’ve written a fantasy book, named ‘Whisperings’, about my experience hearing voices which has been well-received.

My parents subscribe to Rethink Mental Illness and lend me the newsletters to read. I like hearing about the personal accounts of people who also live with schizophrenia. I haven’t really come across a mental health charity that talks much about schizophrenia, especially the more personal, human side of things. I follow and support Rethink on Facebook, and think all their posts are relevant and important.

My family and I all think things would’ve worked out a bit better for me if we’d heard of Rethink Mental Illness when I first became ill, to help us navigate mental health services in the NHS. We try to promote Rethink all we can.