My experience of hallucinations – Imogen’s story

Imogen lives with schizophrenia. She sheds light on the different types of hallucinations she’s experienced and how she manages her stress levels.

I was so happy to be pregnant and expecting my first baby. I'd previously changed my career into administrative work, but as I was inexperienced, I had a temporary contract which eventually ended due to funding.

During my pregnancy, I moved house. The new psychiatrist withdrew my medication and I quickly became ill. I started to see visions of my managers standing in front of me, saying that I’d made mistakes which was the reason I was let go. Even though I had good feedback, I started to believe these voices. 

I was losing touch with reality and went to a mother and baby unit. This is where mothers who have serious mental illnesses can stay with their babies in a hospital ward, so they don't have to be parted. I had my own room with my baby. My husband and parents visited a lot.

My hallucinations got worse. I believed that my previous managers would go over every mistake I ever made in my career, saying I’d never get a job again; that they’d broadcast it to everyone.

The hallucinations became more varied too. I remember trying to read a book and the words looked as if they were rearranging themselves on the page. I thought they were animate and were trying to play tricks on me.

Soon, my thoughts turned from scary to what professionals called 'euphoric'. My grandad passed away while I was in hospital and I went to his funeral. When I got back, I walked to my hospital room and could see him standing there. He was with my nan, who died when I was five. I could see their outlines in white like they were ghosts. I believed I could talk to them and they were reassuring me. When I recovered, this was very upsetting, as I hadn’t actually spoken to them at all.

I also believed I could do magic and go to a ‘spirit world’ near Heaven, where magic would cure all of the world’s problems. I believed I could use magic to end wars and world poverty.

When the psychiatrist got the dosage of medication right, I started to gain some insight and realised that these 'visions' were interrupting my life. I stopped listening to them.

Now, my daughter is four and we are very close. I volunteer at the local library and am the secretary there. After my illness, I lost my stamina and had to sleep a lot. But as I recover, this is getting better. When I have enough stamina, I'll apply for a job.

I had counselling from a clinical psychologist which was so helpful. She said that severe stress can trigger symptoms of schizophrenia. I’m careful to manage my stress levels and take things slowly as I build up resilience and stamina. The psychologist has given me some strategies to use if I get stressed. The one I like the most is progressive muscle relaxation.

I used to get a side effect that I was a bit embarrassed about. My eyes would have involuntary movements where they moved upwards and I found it hard to look ahead to see where I was walking. Apparently, this is a common side-effect and I now manage it easily with side-effect medication.

I enjoy creative writing and use this to express my feelings. I’ve written a fantasy book, named ‘Whisperings’, about my experience hearing voices which has been well-received.

My parents subscribe to Rethink Mental Illness and lend me the newsletters to read. I like hearing about the personal accounts of people who also live with schizophrenia. I haven’t really come across a mental health charity that talks much about schizophrenia, especially the more personal, human side of things. I follow and support Rethink on Facebook, and think all their posts are relevant and important.

My family and I all think things would’ve worked out a bit better for me if we’d heard of Rethink Mental Illness when I first became ill, to help us navigate mental health services in the NHS. We try to promote Rethink all we can.