Living with complex post-traumatic stress disorder – Kirsty’s story

Kirsty shares her experience with C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) and an eating disorder. After getting the right support and treatment, she is now looking forward to her future.

How C-PTSD affected me

I first started experiencing symptoms of C-PTSD after going through a major trauma in 2011. At the time, I didn’t fully understand what was happening to me and tried to carry on with life as normal. I buried a lot of my emotions and childhood experiences because facing them felt too overwhelming. I became very good at surviving rather than actually living.

However, in 2017, I experienced another major trauma which completely changed everything. Years of suppressed pain, fear and trauma came crashing down all at once. Not only was I trying to cope with the recent trauma, but the unresolved traumas from my childhood. My mental health deteriorated rapidly and became life-threatening.

I experienced intense flashbacks that made me feel as though I was reliving traumatic events over and over again. I suffered constant nightmares and barely slept. I became hypervigilant and constantly on edge, always feeling unsafe even in situations where there was no real danger. I lost trust in other people and struggled to believe anyone genuinely cared about me.

Trauma changed the way I viewed myself and the world around me. I completely lost my sense of identity. My emotions would swing from numbness to intense distress within minutes. I dissociated frequently, sometimes feeling disconnected from reality, my surroundings or myself.

Relationships also became extremely difficult because I isolated myself and pushed others away out of fear and shame. I developed an incredibly negative view of myself, and carried immense guilt and self-hatred.

Unfortunately, some people struggled to understand my mental illness, particularly because many of the symptoms are invisible. People would often ask “why?” Why would someone who is loved by so many people still struggle with suicidal thoughts? What many people do not realise is that trauma changes the brain, the nervous system and the way you experience the world.

My experience of being in hospital

I became a significant risk to myself and could no longer keep myself safe. As difficult as it was, I was admitted to psychiatric hospital. What I thought would be a short admission turned into six years.

Those years were some of the hardest of my life. For a long time, I was extremely unwell and relied heavily on staff to keep me safe. My eating disorder also became a coping mechanism; a way to regain some sense of control when everything inside me felt chaotic and unbearable.

Hospital life was incredibly traumatic at times. I watched life continue outside while feeling completely stuck and broken. Some days, simply getting through the next hour felt impossible.

But despite how poorly I was, there were professionals who never gave up on me. My family and friends visited me often. Their support meant more than words can explain. However, saying goodbye after visits was heartbreaking, especially when it came to my children. Missing important moments, feeling separated from the people I loved most and carrying the guilt of being unwell was incredibly painful.

Moving forward with support

With the help of medication, intensive trauma therapy and dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT), I slowly started to learn safer ways of coping. Recovery was not quick or straightforward. There were setbacks, and relapses. But eventually, things started to change. I was finally discharged from hospital. That was two years ago, and I haven’t been readmitted since.

Today, I live independently in my own home. I drive, care for my dog and look forward to starting my master’s degree soon. There was a time where I truly believed I’d never have a future, yet now I’m building one. I still have difficult days and carry the impact of trauma with me. But I’ve learned that healing is possible and that life can become meaningful again.

For anyone who is struggling right now, especially if you feel trapped in hopelessness, please know that things can change. Accepting help was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but it was also the first step towards getting my life back. You are not defined by the worst things that have happened to you. Even after years of pain, there can still be a future waiting for you.