“I made sixteen suicide attempts before I was finally sectioned” – Daniel’s story

Daniel shares his experience with suicide for World Suicide Prevention Day. He explores the importance of early intervention and getting the right treatment, at the right time.

Trigger/content warning: suicide

If you’re someone who has experienced suicidal thoughts, would you take the opportunity to obtain the golden lamp from the film ‘Aladdin’? Would you go to get three wishes from a genie? To reverse a trauma, to bring back a loved one, to find stability — the list is endless. Fundamentally, we all want to be free of pain and suffering, which is exactly why suicide can feel like the only option left sometimes.

My experience of reaching crisis point

I once excelled at college and university, built a successful retail management career and fulfilled an ambitious dream of opening my own bar business. My genies were my grandparents. They brought me up, showering me with love, kindness, and safety, showing me the way through the desert. It felt like losing a mother, father, grandfather and grandmother combined when they both passed.

Following my nan’s horrific accident and her subsequent death, I was consumed by catastrophic guilt. I wasn’t there to protect her as she had protected me all those years ago. Losing my nan was the final nail in the coffin.

I turned to drugs to cope and the addiction quickly gripped me. It led to the complete collapse and loss of my business. I let down people who believed in me, lying to mask the truth of my addiction. The horrific images of my nan's accident became locked in my head, fuelling a severe psychological crisis. I simply didn’t want to be here anymore. Suicide felt like the only escape from my own mind. I made sixteen suicide attempts before I was finally sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

Why we need to prioritise early intervention

Prior to being sectioned, I was under the care of a local crisis team. I was medicated and received frequent visits, but an inpatient admission was never on their agenda. I assume this was because the mental health system is severely struggling with a lack of resources and beds. I was a clear danger to myself and needed drastic, intensive intervention. What more did I have to do to get the help I desperately required?

When I was eventually sectioned last July, I spent a month in the hospital and began trauma therapy for C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) and dissociation. However, I only received three sessions before being discharged back into the world on medication. I was placed on a massive waiting list to continue my treatment. After my discharge, I had to wait months just for an assessment, and my first official therapy appointment didn't happen until a year later.

The frontline professionals working in the NHS are beyond amazing, but resourcefully, they can only do so much. To truly heal, it takes both the individual's determination and a fully resourced mental health system working together. Medication alone is just a plaster; the system must provide timely care to get to the root of a person's poor mental health. Otherwise, you’re just left stuck and in a lot of cases, contemplating suicide as a last resort. 

How I rebuilt my life after attempting suicide

Supported by a small circle of loved ones, I fought to rebuild my life from the ashes. I changed my diet, exercised, returned to work part-time and began volunteering at a local homeless shelter to support others battling addiction. Of course, it took time. Yet, without ongoing professional trauma therapy to treat the root of my PTSD and dissociation, the suicidal thoughts and blips remained.

Now that my intensive trauma therapy is finally in sight, I know it’ll help me get back to where I want to be. I’ve played my part; now the system is playing its part. If it had happened sooner, my road to recovery wouldn't have been so delayed.

We don't live in a fairytale world. But if our mental health system was properly resourced, it could be that genie for people in crisis — granting them the simple, lifesaving wishes of getting better. I truly believe there is a reason why we are put on this earth. Although it may not feel like it at the time of crisis, you are here for a reason. Please don’t ever forget that. The world is a much better place with you in it.