Living with ‘borderpolar’ – Alex’s story

Alex shares his experience of living with a dual mental health diagnosis, touching on symptoms of mood swings, unstable relationships and psychosis. 

For me, coming across the term ‘borderpolar’ was like finding a piece of gold. It conveys the complex struggles that come with having a dual diagnosis of bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder (BPD).

My experience of borderline personality disorder

I developed BPD at 17. I believe this was triggered by immense stress brought on by a relative’s traumatic death and getting bullied at secondary school, where I often felt like an outsider. 

My mood fluctuated daily. I particularly struggled to manage feelings of rage, getting easily triggered and lashing out verbally. I’d become euphorically happy, followed by an emotional crash of intense anxiety and severe low mood. I felt worthless, hopeless and fatigued when depressed. My depressive episodes were prolonged.

By my mid-twenties, I began self-harming. My cries for help were dismissed as ‘attention seeking’. I often failed to understand myself.

I began to lose a grip on reality, becoming suspicious, deeply mistrustful of others without justification and increasingly paranoid. Having an intersectional identity, I had an unstable sense of self which affected my relationships. My unpredictable and erratic behaviour isolated me. 

I was diagnosed with BPD at 32 after referring myself to the community mental health team through my GP. I tried a variety of anti-depressants, but often stopped treatment due to unsettling side effects which triggered intense relapses of depression. 

My experience of bipolar disorder

I developed cyclothymia in my early twenties at university, which was made worse by alcohol addiction. I believe because my mood swings from hypomania to depression were further apart, my bipolar symptoms were overlooked and I was consequently mis-medicated. 

At 34, I had my first psychotic episode and was sectioned under the Mental Health Act. This was a very traumatic experience. My family feared I’d never recover from the delusions and hallucinations I was experiencing. 

After I was discharged, I was tapered off an anti-psychotic. This triggered a manic episode where I became increasingly psychotic. I was excessively talkative, grandiose in that I believed I was a celebrity being monitored and recorded as part of a conspiracy theory. I was sectioned for the second time. 

This then progressed into mixed states, where I’d swing between mania and depression. I was treated for bipolar disorder type 1 with psychosis. Following discharge, I changed to another anti-depressant and anti-psychotic. 

Getting support for my 'borderpolar'

With ‘borderpolar’, it’s very important to maintain a routine. I take medication daily, exercise regularly and take homeopathic remedies for stress. I also use mood tracker apps to help me identify my triggers, spot early warning signs of emerging episodes and reflect on my progress. Reading Rethink Mental Illness’s blogs have particularly inspired me to continue persevering.

I’ve had various talking therapies, like CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), psychodynamic psychotherapy and EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing). In therapy, I identified that my triggers for impulsive excessive spending are particularly when I’m experiencing either bipolar mania or BPD euphoria. I was also able to process my experience of complex trauma. 

During my third psychotic episode, I made a care plan with the early intervention team which prevented hospital admission. With their help, I was also able to work as a Peer Support Worker in the same hospital I’d been an inpatient. Having been unable to work for years due to poor mental health, this was a great achievement. I felt proud of myself and gained confidence. 

I suffered terribly from internalised stigma following my first two psychotic episodes, isolating myself when I felt severely depressed. It didn’t help that I lost close friendships whilst ill.

Today, I’ve developed a solid network of wonderfully supportive friends and my relationship with my family has become better. Disclosing my illness brought me closer to people and has helped me become a mental health advocate.

I’d advise others dealing with a dual diagnosis to form an integrated treatment plan, pairing medication with psychotherapy tailored to your needs. Finding emotional stability has been liberating for me.