[Hholl]

Well this makes for one depressing post...

I have decided that if i don't feel any better in the slightest after my appointment tomorrow at the ED unit at hospital, then i'm going to kill myself. Its been boiling down to this point for some time I think, and i'm just not prepared to feel this way anymore, i'm not prepared to go through this anymore, i'm not prepared to live this way anymore, Its like torture. I don't know how people can go on like this for years!...I'm not able to tolerate it, and my god how i have tried! I just no longer see things getting better....that's the worst of it. No matter how hard i try, i'm forever unable to see things getting better.
I think feeling like i have finally lost my friends, was the last straw, cause now i really do have nobody, nor do i hold any hope for the future anymore...so there's nothing...just this.
I haven't been able to stop crying, its driving me crazy! It's like i can't function anymore without crying aswell...I cry all the time! I cry when making a cup of tea, I cry while doing the washing, I cry while working out, I cry while watching tv, I cry when in the shower, I woke up at 4am and cried under the covers....it's just never ending. That's whats making it harder, because I can no longer hide how i'm feeling anymore, i can't stop myself from bursting into tears. At work, i'll bite/chew my lip until it bleeds to try and stop myself from crying. When someone talks to me at work, I can't even speak to them anymore, I can't say a word, because even If i open my mouth, or even as much as to just make eye contact with some one, I'll burst into tears.
When ever I do eat, it's goes straight threw me like water, but i don't know if its down to not being able to digest stuff due to the ED, or whether it's just down to all this upset.

[CaptSpaceBat]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so desperate. What would it take to feel at least a little better tomorrow?

You've stuck through something really painful for such a long time; I know how exhausting that can be.

Are there any other services that you can access that might be able to ad to the ED clinic's help?

Some people with similar problems have found help and support from people with similar experiences,
sometimes through ED groups; others through Personality Disorder groups - is there anything like that in
your area?

The "passing through" is particularly unpleasant - I know it can be painful too! - and it can mean that you
feel even more weak, frazzled an distressed; I hope that you will let the hospital know what is happening
and going on in your life - if they cannot provide enough help, you will need to find somewhere or someone
who can.

Please, please, please do talk to someone who can help and let them know how awful it really feels …

We're always here for you: the Crisis and factsheet links at the top of the page may also be of help.

[ChrisB]

Hholl, on 09 April 2012 - 03:28 PM, said:

Well this makes for one depressing post...

I have decided that if i don't feel any better in the slightest after my appointment tomorrow at the ED unit at hospital, then i'm going to kill myself.

Please tell them this at the appointment, you have nothing to lose by being completely honest. I am not surprised you are unable to hold up the front any longer, and its because you have been doing this for so long that you are so drained.

There is a glimmer of hope in your post, you are prepared to attend the appointment and see if it helps, well hold onto that tiny spec of hope, and take it moment by moment - but please be straight with them!

[Hholl]

Thank you for your concern...means alot.
I will make sure to talk about how i am feeling when at the unit tomorrow. For now, i'm curled up watching tv just trying to pass the evening. Feeling rather tried after all the upset .
x

[ChrisB]

Its draining isnt it?

Honestly thats the illness wearing you out - the real you is the one who's saying - yep I'm worn out BUT I'm going to that appointment and I'm gonna tell them!

[Hholl]

ChrisB, on 09 April 2012 - 06:59 PM, said:

Its draining isnt it?

Honestly thats the illness wearing you out - the real you is the one who's saying - yep I'm worn out BUT I'm going to that appointment and I'm gonna tell them!

I think i'll end up on anti depressants again, I came off them cold turkey about a month ago, because i was convinced they was making me fat and so I became too scared to take them, even though I knew i really needed them. I was on 40mg of citalophram....well i was supposed to be on 60mg, but ive never taken 60mg, its too high of a dose i don't agree with it, i feel that sometimes they just focus on upping the meds and not focusing in the underlying issues. I want to focus on the eating disorder, and get recovered from that...if i ever get that far...i feel too tired to think ahead right now.

x

[ChrisB]

I totally agree that its foolish to rely on meds and nothing else.......... BUT meds can give you the stability to work on the other stuff!

If the meds meant that you felt a little better you would have the energy to tackle the other stuff - and I bet, with support, you'd do it too!!

[jag]

I was really sad to read your post. I am a mum struggling to cope with my daughter who has just been diagnosed with bipolar and who is pushing me away all the time. I am on the other side of the street to you who is trying to cope with your illness.

This is also the first time ever I have been on a forum so please forgive me if I say the wrong thing. But please look after yourself. Be honest at your appointment and tell them what you have posted on here. If you cant do that just print it off and hand it to them. They cant help you if you dont tell them. My daughter tried to commit suicide the other month because the voices told her to but it didnt work. If I lost her I just dont know what I would do.

And yet I also understand how you feel. It must be really hard for you. If I could give you a hug I would. I hope it goes well for you. JAG

[ChrisB]

So, how did it go??

[chrissy]

Hholl, on 09 April 2012 - 06:45 PM, said:

Thank you for your concern...means alot.
I will make sure to talk about how i am feeling when at the unit tomorrow. For now, i'm curled up watching tv just trying to pass the evening. Feeling rather tried after all the upset .
x

[chrissy]

Hello Im hoping you ll send a message today to let us know how you are. Please hang on in there.I once had an eating disorder and thought I would never recover, but I did. I also overcome a lot of other things which I NEVER thought I would cope with.I hope one day you ll see a light at the end of the tunnel.

[mias]

Hey Holly, I wondered where you were. I was worried about you and missed you too.
Yes, please let us know how the app went.
Just think Holly, your posts here could one day help another person struggling in the same way. Who better to help than someone that has/is going through the same.
Keep fighting on, one day you will get there.
As Chris says, moment by moment, I agree with that. one day at a time is sometimes too big.
We are all here, you only have to call out.

Oh yes and a (((Big hug)))
Just incase you need one. Someone left me one the other evening and it really helped.

[Hholl]

mias, on 11 April 2012 - 07:25 AM, said:

Hey Holly, I wondered where you were. I was worried about you and missed you too.
Yes, please let us know how the app went.
Just think Holly, your posts here could one day help another person struggling in the same way. Who better to help than someone that has/is going through the same.
Keep fighting on, one day you will get there.
As Chris says, moment by moment, I agree with that. one day at a time is sometimes too big.
We are all here, you only have to call out.

Oh yes and a (((Big hug)))
Just incase you need one. Someone left me one the other evening and it really helped.

Hey guys,

Sorry I never got in touch sooner.

I got on okay at that particular appointment at the hospital. The first thing I did was have a good cry, didn't think i would stop. I did leave afterwards however feeling a little better. Ive felt okay since i guess. My appointments are helping me to think more deeply about the eating disorder and think ahead for the future, i want to become a much stronger person so that i'm able to deal with this, and other changes that come about in my life, without feeling the need to return to the ED every-time and relapse.

[mias]

Well that is a nice messge to arrive home to Holly. I think that if you really put your mind to it you will be able to do it. you have come through a lot and will be a stronger wiser person because of that. Use it.
If you ever feel wobbly, come and talk it through.
Well done.

[ChrisB]

Great to hear from you

[Mau]

glad you made it through hun x