[missmay]

Hi all,

I am looking for any advice on how to start an open dialogue with my 13 year old Son about my younger sisters mental illness.

Whilst I do not feel that we are in any way a secretive family we have tended to keep the actual details and "keywords" away from my Son, but at 13 I feel he is at an age where he really needs to know the details.

I know I have to discuss this with my Sister first but after that I am not sure how to bring it up with my Son or whether to just wait until he asks? He is aware that she is on medication, spends time in hospital, doesn't work etc and I want him to understand better how these things tie together.

Thank for reading

M

[CeeBee]

Hi Missmay,

That's a really difficult question. I have a 9-year-old myself and it is always difficult to know how much to tell her about what is going on with me. I do advocate honesty with children, but that doesn't mean telling them everything that is going on, you have to keep things age-appropriate and exactly how much detail you give your son is a very personal decision. Also, as you say, you will need to make sure your sister is comfortable with whatever you decide to tell him. It is probably worth contacting Rethink directly for advice, I usually get some professional advice when I am planning one of those conversations with my daughter.

Welcome to the boards

[ChrisB]

Missmay welcome and thank you for a refreshing post about talking about mental illness, rather than ignoring it or passing by it quickly.

Personally I would make some time for the two of you, sit down and say somthing like.......

"Have you noticed how different people are, just look at families, isnt it amazing how brothers and sisters can be so different. I wondered if we could chat about Auntie?"

No I definitely wouldnt wait till he asks, cos thats likely to be at a time when you are busy or stressed or un prepared.

On a personal note, I am still heartbroken that my family kept the truth from me about my fathers illness, not allowing me to know its severity meant I never got a chance to say goodbye.

So maybe I'm biased a bit

[ebonycat]

He probably knows already but not the right diagnosis, 13 is quite an age for someone to be completely ignorant of whats going on around them . I told my kids the truth from a very early age, I had too they grew up with my illness and my being sectioned.We even discuss what I was thinking and feeling after a period of psychosis so that they have some perspective on things they think happend during my illness.
Now I have very supportive understanding kids,now in their 20's and the youngest is 12.

[CARL??]

I am trying to figure out how to explain my depression to one of my daughters. My wife doesnt understand it, so how the heck am I going to make her?

I have planned out some simple explanations - she is 12, so not too simple!

Just trying to find the right time, as there are alot of other things going on at the moment that are hard for her to deal with, but I know that she has the right to know, and to try to understand why dad has been like he has recently. Here's hoping that I dont make a "pigs ear" of it!

[missmay]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply - sorry I have not been in touch sooner.

I spoke to my sister who is really tentative about either of us talking to my Son. Of course I want her to be comfortable but also need to make our lives comfortable by speaking with him before he starts to create his own ideas about things.

Anyway I plan to start talking to him soon - thanks for all your help

x

[mias]

Oh, I think you will be surprised at how young children can understand many things. In fact, I think they would appreciate being spoken to carefully about things than being kept in the dark to use their imagination as to what is going on.She will already know things are not OK.

She may even like to be a part of 'helping you through this'.

So long as children know they are loved I reckon they can deal quite well with more than we give them credit for.

You and your wife know her best, talk first and then decide how to go about it.

[Olivia - Rethink]

I recently came across a publication by Support in Mind Scotland which is a guide for young people who have a parent affected by mental illness. It is for 11-14 year olds, and might have some good ideas on how to discuss this with your son, for instance the kind of language you might like to use: http://www.supportin...-mental-illness

Young Minds also have a book called Wise Mouse to help 5-11 year olds understand what is happening when a loved one has a mental illness, so CeeBee you might also find this helpful (there's a Paul Whitehouse recording too!):
http://www.youngmind...rm=wise%20mouse

They might both be useful when thinking about ways to approach opening up the discussion. I remember my mum telling me when I was quite young that a close family member had a mental illness, and at first she explained some of the things he thought and did at times when he was unwell, and the fact that he was unwell sometimes. We didn't discuss things like diagnosis until later, but I always knew what it was and so always felt comfortable with discussing mental illness. Finding out early on can also help a younger person understand things that happen around them, for instance when someone goes into hospital, or maybe is behaving in a way they aren't used to.

You can also find information for young people about mental illness on our young people's section of the site: http://www.rethink.o...tips/index.html

Let us know how you get on.

Olivia

[CeeBee]

Olivia - Rethink, on 11 October 2011 - 04:05 PM, said:

I recently came across a publication by Support in Mind Scotland which is a guide for young people who have a parent affected by mental illness. It is for 11-14 year olds, and might have some good ideas on how to discuss this with your son, for instance the kind of language you might like to use: http://www.supportin...-mental-illness

Young Minds also have a book called Wise Mouse to help 5-11 year olds understand what is happening when a loved one has a mental illness, so CeeBee you might also find this helpful (there's a Paul Whitehouse recording too!):
http://www.youngmind...rm=wise%20mouse

They might both be useful when thinking about ways to approach opening up the discussion. I remember my mum telling me when I was quite young that a close family member had a mental illness, and at first she explained some of the things he thought and did at times when he was unwell, and the fact that he was unwell sometimes. We didn't discuss things like diagnosis until later, but I always knew what it was and so always felt comfortable with discussing mental illness. Finding out early on can also help a younger person understand things that happen around them, for instance when someone goes into hospital, or maybe is behaving in a way they aren't used to.

You can also find information for young people about mental illness on our young people's section of the site: http://www.rethink.o...tips/index.html

Let us know how you get on.

Olivia

Thanks for this