[bubbles]

I've noticed that a lot of people on this forum seem to be older than me and therefore going through completely different situations in their lives, things I can't relate to.

I'm going into my final year of my degree and it's the first year I'm really struggling. When at uni I'm a 4 hour car drive away from home so it's not easy to just pop back if I need a pick-me-up. I haven't really bonded with anyone since I've been here, or I have, and slowly they've slipped away. I feel I can't talk to anyone up here about real issues because they just don't care or have the time for it, they can't be bothered to help me.

My grades are beginning to suffer, and my university doesn't seem to even acknowledge people with depression as someone who needs help.

I just want to know if there are any other students out there suffering with nowhere to turn, or any that have any advice for how to get through this final year and graduate with a grade I'm proud of instead of just wanting it to all be over. I'd be grateful for anything you can give me.

Bubbles

[Admin - Rethink]

Hi Bubbles, welcome to Rethink Talk

You are right that a lot people here are probably older than you (I'm 36 unfortunately!) however maybe some people here had a difficult time at University or other similar situations, and have some experiences to share? I certainly had a similar issue in that I never really bonded with anyone at Uni - however, when I left I did find good friends. From representations in the media I expected Uni to be very social, but then realised it just wasn't going to be like that for me.

It's awful for you that your Uni doesn't seem to recognise depression properly - can you tell us more about what you're looking for, ie a group to take part in, counselling, or just a listening ear? We might be able to find some non-Uni services or support for you.

I also made friends as part of a house-share towards the end of Uni - what's your living situation like? If it's not up to much, might it be possible to look for a share with like-minded people?

Anyway - I'm really glad you're here and I hope we can help.

All the best,

Chris

[mld]

Hi bubbles,

I'm sorry that I'm not your age anymore - I'm now 49! but I remember each year of uni, as I had a tough time in all three years. I had depression and tried to kill myself a few times during my course, but the doctors at the uni were useless. They didn't help at all, just really said I was time wasting etc.

Fortunately I had one kind of friend. I still get Christmas cards from her, but we were the two who didn't have friends in the lecture group. In the end I ended up with a 2:2, I think if I had gelled with some other people and had the right support I could have done better.

Sadly now, I am ill from work and have been for about four years. To keep my mind active I am studying A Level maths at the local college.

What are you studying?

Keep in touch,

M.

[bubbles]

Chris - Rethink, on 23 September 2011 - 12:54 PM, said:

Hi Bubbles, welcome to Rethink Talk

You are right that a lot people here are probably older than you (I'm 36 unfortunately!) however maybe some people here had a difficult time at University or other similar situations, and have some experiences to share? I certainly had a similar issue in that I never really bonded with anyone at Uni - however, when I left I did find good friends. From representations in the media I expected Uni to be very social, but then realised it just wasn't going to be like that for me.

It's awful for you that your Uni doesn't seem to recognise depression properly - can you tell us more about what you're looking for, ie a group to take part in, counselling, or just a listening ear? We might be able to find some non-Uni services or support for you.

I also made friends as part of a house-share towards the end of Uni - what's your living situation like? If it's not up to much, might it be possible to look for a share with like-minded people?

Anyway - I'm really glad you're here and I hope we can help.

All the best,

Chris

Hi Chris

I've had counselling through the uni and it just didn't help at all, they didn't seem to recognise just how it was all affecting me and gave the impression that I was just wasting their time with petty problems. I just need someone to understand and tell me these things I'm feeling are normal. I don't know whether I'd feel comfortable in a group but I'd be willing to give anything a try if it will help me.
I was in a house share last year with 6 other people who were my best friends in first year, but as soon as things got tough they couldn't cope with me and I felt even more alone than in my first flat where I didn't get on with anyone. So I moved in the middle of the year into a flat with one other girl who is lovely, but we move in different circles as we're on different courses that are very close and hardly mix with other courses. We get on really well but she's so busy all the time it feels like she's never home.
The worst part of all of this is that my friends from back home are amazing, they were there with me when my depression was at it's worse and they helped pull me through, if I have days where I can't get out of bed and face the day they make me get up and get out, even if it's just for a walk where I can chat and share my thoughts. But they're all at least 4 hours away now, and no-one here compares. One girl here who I would say is my closest friend at uni actually told me once that depression isn't a disease, it's an excuse when we were having an argument. I hold onto her cos she's the closest thing I have, but I don't think she realises how hurtful some of the things she says are.

[bubbles]

mld, on 23 September 2011 - 04:29 PM, said:

Hi bubbles,

I'm sorry that I'm not your age anymore - I'm now 49! but I remember each year of uni, as I had a tough time in all three years. I had depression and tried to kill myself a few times during my course, but the doctors at the uni were useless. They didn't help at all, just really said I was time wasting etc.

Fortunately I had one kind of friend. I still get Christmas cards from her, but we were the two who didn't have friends in the lecture group. In the end I ended up with a 2:2, I think if I had gelled with some other people and had the right support I could have done better.

Sadly now, I am ill from work and have been for about four years. To keep my mind active I am studying A Level maths at the local college.

What are you studying?

Keep in touch,

M.

Hi M

I've said in my reply to Chris I do have one friend here, but if we get into an argument she always says things that are really hurtful, and I know she doesn't mean it to be as bad as it sounds but she's so closed minded she doesn't understand what she's saying. But those things stick with me, I can't shake some of the comments, and they come back to haunt me at my lowest moments.
I'm studying Theatre and Performance Design, and although I can easily keep my mind on my work and my designs, I'm scared I just won't be able to get the contacts I need to make a career of it. They always stress to you that it's the people you know rather than what you know, and if that's the case, I'm stuffed.

[ramboself]

i read your post and it brought back my uni days, couldn't you get involved in some group, not uni but the local town, a uni student would be cool there, a mistake i made at the time at uni was thinking the only thing that existed was that snobbish uni

[bubbles]

ramboself, on 24 September 2011 - 06:38 PM, said:

i read your post and it brought back my uni days, couldn't you get involved in some group, not uni but the local town, a uni student would be cool there, a mistake i made at the time at uni was thinking the only thing that existed was that snobbish uni

Well I live in a city, so there's not really any clubs or anything I can join, although I have joined a gym and am planning on going to some classes there. My uni is specialised in performing arts and courses that relate to that, and so is really small so we don't have societies or anything as everyone is pretty much interested in the same sort of things and we're all too busy to commit to anything majorly. It's a massive blow, I wish sometimes I went to a normal uni...

[mld]

I think all unis are different, but none of them really match up with the ideal.

I go to church, and loads (and I mean loads) of students turned up this morning from Kent Uni, Christ Church Uni and the Uni of the Creative arts, all three of them are based here. The town almost doubles in size during term time.

Hope you enjoy the gym. You should be able to recognise a few people after a time and hopefully get to know them.

M.

I came on line actually to ask how you are today? Hope you like the warmer weather, that is if you are getting it.

Take care,

M.

[bubbles]

mld, on 25 September 2011 - 05:38 PM, said:

I think all unis are different, but none of them really match up with the ideal.

I go to church, and loads (and I mean loads) of students turned up this morning from Kent Uni, Christ Church Uni and the Uni of the Creative arts, all three of them are based here. The town almost doubles in size during term time.

Hope you enjoy the gym. You should be able to recognise a few people after a time and hopefully get to know them.

M.

I came on line actually to ask how you are today? Hope you like the warmer weather, that is if you are getting it.

Take care,

M.

I envy people that have faith, I think it gives you something that can always be there to stop you feeling lonely, unfortunately I'm not one of those people. I'm looking into doing some craft classes or something to maybe help me meet people at the moment, I'm just trying to find some close enough.

I'm ok thanks, I've just got back from an old flatmates surprise birthday party, and although at times I felt awkward and like I was being avoided, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I tried to get involved more and put myself out there, and it wasn't too bad. The warm weather hasn't reached us yet, hopefully it will soon though! How are you feeling today?

Bubbles

[Duck]

Have you tried your disabled students department? Depression 'counts' as a disability, and they have lots of extra help, including things I had not even thought of asking for before I saw them.

[butterflylion]

Hey Bubbles

I was at uni untill last year when i had to step off my course due to my depression. I found my personal tutor really supportive when i talked to her about how i was feeling ect, i dont know if its different for you but im doing mental health nursing (so depression is recognised more) I wish i could offer you some constructive advice about what you could do but i know every uni works differently and so what might be available for me might not be for you.... but if you ever need to chat dont hesitate to message me on here x sometimes just talking to someone in hte same boat can help xx

[nicholas29]

Bubbles,

I was in the same position as you when I was at uni. Unfortunately I didn't finish the course as things started to go down hill in the second year. I went to uni after deciding I was ready to do a degree, so after doing an Access course I moved to away from family and friends. It was to make a new start, not because the previous situation was bad just because it was time to move somewhere new. My first year wasn't the greatest, but I passed. My second year I got really depressed so I drank a lot and didn't go out much. But here is where I am a bit of a contradiction: I had a job as a barman which I loved and would be enthusiastic about. The problem I had was the place I was living and the people. Plus the people in my course were not my sort of people.
Like you I was far away from 'home' so I didn't have the opportunity to pop home and visit or just to have someone around.
My university was useless! I had no support. But, tell the tutor it will make it easier for you. Counselling helps too, these people are paid to listen to you and I use it as a venting mechanism. I think this will help with lacking someone to talk too. I made a lot of friends from societies too. It is a great way to find like minded people.
I think whatever you do try and complete uni, you have come so far. Try and think about the end not what is happening at the moment. You may like working or earning money and that is something to look forward too.

It is a shame that this happens at university, it is a lot harder than people think and I think it should be recognised.

Good luck

[bubbles]

butterflylion, on 28 January 2012 - 07:44 PM, said:

Hey Bubbles

I was at uni untill last year when i had to step off my course due to my depression. I found my personal tutor really supportive when i talked to her about how i was feeling ect, i dont know if its different for you but im doing mental health nursing (so depression is recognised more) I wish i could offer you some constructive advice about what you could do but i know every uni works differently and so what might be available for me might not be for you.... but if you ever need to chat dont hesitate to message me on here x sometimes just talking to someone in hte same boat can help xx

Thankyou very much, I might just do that. That's the worst thing about being here is having absolutely nobody to talk to, and I try not to talk to my boyfriend about it as there's nothing he can really do (he's at uni 4 hours train journey away, so I only see him every so often or when we both go home for holidays). Recently I've just felt that I'm so far from myself and the person I used to be, and if I stay here much longer I'm going to go absolutely crazy. I'm becoming that paranoid, needy, dependent, moaning person I hate. I've only got a couple of months left of my course, and I'm so close to dropping out...

[bubbles]

nicholas29, on 28 January 2012 - 08:49 PM, said:

Bubbles,

I was in the same position as you when I was at uni. Unfortunately I didn't finish the course as things started to go down hill in the second year. I went to uni after deciding I was ready to do a degree, so after doing an Access course I moved to away from family and friends. It was to make a new start, not because the previous situation was bad just because it was time to move somewhere new. My first year wasn't the greatest, but I passed. My second year I got really depressed so I drank a lot and didn't go out much. But here is where I am a bit of a contradiction: I had a job as a barman which I loved and would be enthusiastic about. The problem I had was the place I was living and the people. Plus the people in my course were not my sort of people.
Like you I was far away from 'home' so I didn't have the opportunity to pop home and visit or just to have someone around.
My university was useless! I had no support. But, tell the tutor it will make it easier for you. Counselling helps too, these people are paid to listen to you and I use it as a venting mechanism. I think this will help with lacking someone to talk too. I made a lot of friends from societies too. It is a great way to find like minded people.
I think whatever you do try and complete uni, you have come so far. Try and think about the end not what is happening at the moment. You may like working or earning money and that is something to look forward too.

It is a shame that this happens at university, it is a lot harder than people think and I think it should be recognised.

Good luck

Hi nicholas29,
I did tell a tutor when I first came to uni, but she left last year and now there's nobody I really can talk to. I've tried the uni counselling service and they were just really patronizing and made me feel worse, I'd reached out for help and let them in and they just sat there and gave nothing back. I'm looking for advice and help, not just someone to listen to me. I'm so close to dropping out only a few months before I graduate and I can't see why I don't just do it at the moment, however stupid that sounds. I'm becoming so far from the person I want to be, that if I stay just a week longer I'm scared I won't be able to get that back.
I had my 21st birthday in february, and a lot of my friends from home came up to visit for the weekend which was lovely, but they're all so busy I hardly talk to them when I'm here. And yet, absolutely nobody from my uni came along even for a drink, or to say happy birthday, nobody bothered at all and yet they expect me to go to their birthdays and bring presents and make an effort. When they don't speak to me or care about me at all. Why should I bother with these people?
It's probably a good job I'm skint, otherwise I would drink more, but I'd probably be drinking by myself which is even worse...

[Admin - Rethink]

Hi bubbles, if you're that near to graduating I hope you can hold on, as things change a lot when you get out! The world of work is often a lot more supportive and inclusive than Uni. Also the few lasting friends I made at Uni were mature students - the students who were my age were often very wrapped up in themselves. I suggest you talk to our advice team about options for where you can look for people to get help from outside the Uni - www.rethink.org/advice

[bubbles]

Chris - Rethink, on 23 March 2012 - 10:22 AM, said:

Hi bubbles, if you're that near to graduating I hope you can hold on, as things change a lot when you get out! The world of work is often a lot more supportive and inclusive than Uni. Also the few lasting friends I made at Uni were mature students - the students who were my age were often very wrapped up in themselves. I suggest you talk to our advice team about options for where you can look for people to get help from outside the Uni - www.rethink.org/advice

Hi Chris,
Thanks, I'll get in touch with them. I know it'll be better when I move back home, even just because the people there know that I suffer and have been there for me many times in the past, they know how to help get me out of it. The only friends I have made here is my flatmate from America, and a girl on my course from Norway, and both of them are older, around the same age of my friends back home who were in the years above me at school.
I worry about when I leave as I will be a freelance theatre designer, so will always be looking for work and trying to make contacts through networking, which I struggle with due to anxiety and stress to do with being in social situations.
I'm trying to hang on as best I can for the next two months, and I've just given up doing the costume designs as well as the set on my graded show to try and ease the workload for myself, even though my lecturers don't know why.
Thanks for the advice, I'll get in touch with them

[bubbles]

Hi Everyone,

I'd just like to say thankyou for all your advice and help over the last few months, and I have indeed managed to finish my three years at uni and will be graduating in 6 weeks don't know if I'd have been able to make it without this forum and the advice from people on this website, it really did help to have someone to talk to who understands.
Thanks

Bubbles

[mld]

bubbles, on 10 June 2012 - 10:19 AM, said:

Hi Everyone,

I'd just like to say thankyou for all your advice and help over the last few months, and I have indeed managed to finish my three years at uni and will be graduating in 6 weeks don't know if I'd have been able to make it without this forum and the advice from people on this website, it really did help to have someone to talk to who understands.
Thanks

Bubbles

Well done!

No one can ever take a degree away from you. Yours has just been harder earnt than others. Congratulations.

[ChrisB]

mld, on 10 June 2012 - 08:27 PM, said:

Well done!

No one can ever take a degree away from you. Yours has just been harder earnt than others. Congratulations.

Here here, well said!!

[CaptSpaceBat]

Congratulations You've done amazingly well through your own inner strengths as well as finding a supportive network. You should be justifiably proud of your achievement.

Just a thought - do your uni counselling service know about Rethink Talk? If not, then spreading the word could help so many others in future

All best wishes for wherever your life takes you next …