[Olivia - Rethink]

Live webchat with Molly McCloskey

Molly McCloskey will be joining us live for a webchat on Friday 12th August at 1pm.

We all know mental illness affects the whole family. Molly McCloskey, who has a brother with schizophrenia, has recently published a moving memoir Circles around the Sun. Tracing the history of her family and her brother’s illness through letters, photos and interviews with old friends and relatives, she describes her quest to learn more about her brother and his illness, her own experiences of anxiety and addiction to drink, and her battles with her feelings as a sibling.

In celebration of our recent launch of the Rethink Siblings website (funded by the Big Lottery Fund) she will be answering questions about her experiences as a sibling, writing her book and what she learnt along the way.

If you would like to ask her a question about being a sibling, her views about schizophrenia and mental illness, her experiences of anxiety and depression while she was suffering from alcoholism, what it was like to write her memoir, or her book then please leave these in the comments section below. (Please remember the webchat guidelines.)

If you have any problems signing up to RethinkTalk please email Olivia: olivia.desantos@rethink.org

Quote

'A moving, haunting story of madness, addiction, and a sister’s quest for her lost brother'

When Molly McCloskey was a young girl, her brother Mike - fourteen years her senior - started showing signs of schizophrenia. By the time Molly was old enough to begin to know him, he was frequently delusional, heavily medicated, living in hospitals or care homes or on the road.

When Molly reached the age Mike was when he became ill, she found herself suffering from deep anxiety, and medicating that anxiety with alcohol. She knew that schizophrenia runs in families, and at times the anxiety was so bad as to make her wonder about her own sanity. As the years passed, years when Molly - having moved from the US to Ireland - hardly ever saw or heard from her brother, she became deeply curious about his life and about what might have been. Through reading an astonishing archive of letters preserved by her mother and grandmother, and interviewing old friends of Mike's, she began to piece together a picture of his life, before and after the illness struck - the story of how a gifted and well-liked student and athlete was overtaken by a terrible illness.



Now, in Circles around the Sun, she tells that story - which is also the story of her own demons and of the ways in which a seemingly perfect family can slowly fall apart. It is a work of extraordinary intensity and drama from a deeply gifted writer.

You can read more about Molly McCloskey’s novel in the Guardian Review and purchase her book from the Penguin website.

[mias]

This book looks interesting and I will look forward to meeting her on the Friday. I have put it on my calendar.

I can't think of a question as yet. Funny, I have asked so many in recent years I seem to have run dry.

[645]

I have a friend about 5 years younger than me that suffers from a mental disorder, I'm not sure which but I think bipolar. My question is this: how am I supposed to react when she threatens to kill herself? Sometimes I think she does it just to get a reaction from me, and I'm not sure what I should say. Other times she seriously sounds depressed, and cries on the phone to me. I'm at a loss.

[Olivia - Rethink]

645, on 07 August 2011 - 09:52 PM, said:

I have a friend about 5 years younger than me that suffers from a mental disorder, I'm not sure which but I think bipolar. My question is this: how am I supposed to react when she threatens to kill herself? Sometimes I think she does it just to get a reaction from me, and I'm not sure what I should say. Other times she seriously sounds depressed, and cries on the phone to me. I'm at a loss.

Hi 645,

Thanks for your question. It is so difficult to know what to do and say when someone is feeling suicidal.

We have a factsheet about helping someone who is suicidal which talks through some ideas about how you can help and where you and your friend can get support.

You also might find our factsheet on Getting help in a crisis useful.

For any siblings affected by this, we also have a factsheet aimed at siblings on the Rethink Siblings website called "How to help someone who is suicidal".

It can also help to have some numbers close by for if your friend gets really low and pass these on to her to keep. They can contact the Samaritans 24 hours on 08457 90 90 90 or by emailing jo@samaritans.org

They can also contract Crisis Line on 0800 028 8000

and Saneline between 6pm-11pm on 0845 767 8000.

If you want to find out more about what help is available to you and your friend, you can contact Rethink's Advice and Information Service on 0845 456 0455 / 020 7840 3188 Monday to Friday, 10am - 1pm or by emailing advice@rethink.org

Best wishes,

Olivia

[frenchbean]

Hi - My younger brother has schizophrenia and I also suffer from anxiety and feelings of guilt.

Like Mias I am interested in this book but can't think of a relevant question now I have the chance!

Off the top of my head...

Molly, do you have any other siblings? (I only have my brother who has the illness and so I feel a grief around the loss of my only opportunity for a sibling relationship/neices and nephews etc.)

Do you have feelings of anger towards your brother and if so how do you cope with them? (I feel very angry towards my brother at times for the way he treats my mother who is his carer. I know it's his illness that makes him unable to empathise or see her suffering, but it's still very upsetting.)

Thank you.

[Stephensister]

I went through all this with my brother, starting when I was 13 and he was 18, ending (but does it ever really end?) with his suicide when he was 27 and I was 22 (and in my last term before finals). My question is: if your sibling has had mental health problems and you have subsequently developed mental health problems yourself (I have had depression for over 35 years), how can you disentangle whether your problems have been caused by a) genetics sharing the same family environment as your sibling c) the damage caused by having a sibling with MH probs or d) all three?

[ebonycat]

Do you think if your brother had written his story people would have been half as interested

or as a sibling who is sane are you and your story a more worthy read?

Even though Rethink are promoting your work do you think it is easy for sufferers to be as successful or does stigma still play its part when it comes to promotion anfd publication?

[mias]

"I went through all this with my brother, starting when I was 13 and he was 18, ending (but does it ever really end?) with his suicide when he was 27 and I was 22 (and in my last term before finals). My question is: if your sibling has had mental health problems and you have subsequently developed mental health problems yourself (I have had depression for over 35 years), how can you disentangle whether your problems have been caused by a) genetics sharing the same family environment as your sibling c) the damage caused by having a sibling with MH probs or d) all three? "


Firstly, I am sorry for the loss of your brother Stevensister.

Reading this question brought to mind some of the thoughts I have but find them difficult to put into words..

As a sibling from the same parents and yes sharing the same house when young, not necessarily having had quite the same up bringing as I think that parents can treat their children differently just as they can love one more than another but even so, we are made from the same 'stuff' and I have found myself almost waiting and delving deep into my own mind to see if I am the same, looking for similarities, almost looking for Him there.

It certainly doesn't end with a siblings suicide, it just becomes a part of you.

Sorry Molly, I'm not entirely sure what the question is here, but it could be, how much of your sibling do you see in yourself ?

[mias]

I wish I still had my brother here so that I could have the opportunity to help him.

It seems you have grown up knowing that he was unwell. My brother seemed to keep the true extent of his struggles hidden, enough for us to not really notice that things were very difficult for him at times. Also, I just accepted and loved him just as he was, I guess I just didn't see it.

Do you spend a lot of time with each other? Now there is a lot of information and more help out there than there was a few years back. Do you feel you have the means and opportunity to help him?

[Abi M]

Hi Molly,

I haven't read your book yet, but I'm hoping to in the next few weeks. I'm the sister of someone who had a breakdown which started when I was around 11 or 12 I think.

I'm not sure if other siblings feel the same way as me, but I'm finding it really hard to think of a question to ask you which doesn't sound in some way like it's incriminating or exposing my sibling who has been unwell. It feels like such a difficult thing to talk about in public, as I can only speak from my perspective, and have lots of memories of that time which are very sad to bring up in the here and now. My sibling's illness wasn't their fault, yet had a big impact on me and the family - on us all (my sibling included) and over the years we all have gone through a spectrum of emotions about it and had our own ways of dealing with it.

Maybe that should be the subject of my question - did you find it difficult to write about your brother's illness in a way which was respectful to him, yet was honest to how you felt? Were you worried about how he'd feel if he read your book?

[FHP]

Dear Molly,

my brother is schizophrenic, there is a 2 year age difference between us, so we were really close growing up. He became ill in his late teens (over 20 years ago now). How do you manage your relationship with your brother? Do you spend time regularly with him? Does he have a life (social, interests)?

(I haven't read your book, yet)

Look forward to webchat live tomorrow.

[FHP]

Molly, also (sorry another question), I am undecided about starting a family due to the possibility of genes passed on and seeing what my parents have to go through everyday (they are in their mid 60's, early 70's), did you feel like this? I also feel strangely guilty if I did start a family as it's something that just won't happen with my brother and I don't want to make him unhappy, envious etc... jeez it's so frustrating. Sooooo many things, when one starts to think about it, lead back to my concerns for my brother.

KR,
FHP

[Boru]

Hi Molly,

I was wondering if you've noticed any significant differences between the US and Europe with regards to attitudes to mental illness? Do you think Americans are more comfortable with talking about mental illness?

[Chris - Rethink]

Hi Molly,

If you could change just one practical thing for siblings and their brothers and sisters with mental illness, what would it be? For instance, more mental health education in schools, or more focus within the health system on siblings, or something like a really well-known celebrity sibling sharing their story and thereby making it more of a widely understood experience..?

Thanks,

Chris

[Olivia - Rethink]

The webchat starts here!

Hi everyone,

Molly McCloskey has now joined us here on Rethink Talk and will be with us for about an hour. Molly will answer as many questions as she can during this time so please ask your questions in the comments section below. We have already sent some of your questions to Molly and she will be answering them shortly. Please remember to follow our web chat guidelines that are posted here: webchat guidelines

For the duration of the chat please remember we will need to remove posts with images or videos and may need to edit your posts to keep this thread tidy.

Remember you will need to refresh this page to see the new content by pressing the refresh icon in your web browser or pressing the F5 key.

Thanks everyone for joining us,


Olivia and Abi from Rethink

PS - Please note, there may be a few pages of chat here which you can click through using controls at the top and bottom of the page that look like this...
 Molly McCloskey- a Sibling\'s Story - RethinkTalk.png (845bytes)
Number of downloads: 7

[Molly McCloskey]

Hello,

Thanks for joining in and for posting a lot of interesting questions.

I know a lot of you haven't read the book, so I'll just give you a brief picture of it, because issues I cover there can guide our discussion. I was eight when my brother Mike was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He was 23, and had not lived with us (because he was away at university for 4 years) since I was 4 years old. So essentially I didn't remember him before he became ill. He has never recovered. So I always felt a sense of mourning the loss of someone I'd never known - and Mike had been a highly intelligent and very promising young man, a difficult picture for me to square with the person I grew up with and know today. In 2005, my mother gave me a trove of family letters covering about 40 years. The letters contained a huge amount of information about our family and about Mike, and were the catalyst for my deciding to learn more about his life and about what had happened to him. I interviewed family members, old friends of Mike's, I talked with Mike himself - to the extent that he does talk about things, I dug up old yearbooks and photos. The book represents the result of that 'search'. But it also tells the story of my own life - and how growing up around someone who is seriously mentally ill affected me and my family. And, finally, it is about my mother, who has been so consistent in her love for my brother, and both devoted to him and at the same time able to live her own life. So it's also a tribute to her.

Molly

[Molly McCloskey]

frenchbean, on 08 August 2011 - 12:25 PM, said:

Hi - My younger brother has schizophrenia and I also suffer from anxiety and feelings of guilt.

Molly, do you have any other siblings? (I only have my brother who has the illness and so I feel a grief around the loss of my only opportunity for a sibling relationship/neices and nephews etc.)

Do you have feelings of anger towards your brother and if so how do you cope with them? (I feel very angry towards my brother at times for the way he treats my mother who is his carer. I know it's his illness that makes him unable to empathise or see her suffering, but it's still very upsetting.)

Hello Frenchbean,

Thanks for your question.
I have four other siblings, so I do get to enjoy rich sibling relationships. I realise it must be more difficult if it is your only sibling. I felt angry with my brother recently for how he’s been treating my mother, and it’s difficult to know to what extent he realises how hurtful his behaviour is. I think my own mother had, in order to survive it all (sometimes Mike lived with us over the years, though not for a very long time), coping strategies - she had a lot of friends and a social life and she worked part-time. So as profoundly affected as she was by what happened to Mike, it did not become her whole life. But it’s strange - your question makes me realise that I never directly asked my mother how she coped with Mike’s treatment of her over the years.

[mias]

I just would like to say hello Molly, it is lovely of you to come on here and hopefully answer some of our questions.

Just reading your introduction.

It must have been so very hard for your mother. I know everything to do with my brother has effected my Mother (and Father but differently) terribly. In fact I am having to go to her shortly as she has been left very depressed by the outcome of his illness and subsequent suicide.

I look forward to reading you responses later today.

[Olivia - Rethink]

Hi Molly,

Thank you for joining us for the webchat.

I was wondering, by writing the book, you opened up conversations with family and friends that you had never had before – speaking to your father and some of your siblings about Mike’s illness for the very first time.

How did it feel to finally talk about things openly with your family? Did you get the feeling that your family found this helpful as well?

Olivia

[Molly McCloskey]

Olivia - Rethink, on 12 August 2011 - 12:06 PM, said:

By writing the book, you opened up conversations with family and friends that you had never had before – speaking to your father and some of your siblings about Mike’s illness for the very first time.

How did it feel to finally talk about things openly with your family? Did you get the feeling that your family found this helpful as well?

Hi Olivia,

I was really grateful to be able to have these discussions, and the book gave us a reason to have them. I was particularly glad to talk to my mother and my brother Steve, who is just 2 years younger than Mike. Steve, who really never talks about Mike - and they were chalk and cheese, as youngsters - was so eager to help me with this book, and I realised he really wanted me to know the person he had known: Mike as a young man. I was very moved by that because it seemed to me an act of love.

My mother was very glad about the book, too, though I know she found going over all these painful events from the past very difficult. But she used the word ‘commemoration’, and I think what she appreciated about the project was that it in some way excavated and put on record the son she had known, her first-born, this beautiful promising young man who she had essentially lost.