[mld]

Everything is getting out of control... or are the medical teams controlling me?

I am tring to read others' posts, but can't focus. Last night snd this morning the two lacal gps have forced me to take lorazapam (never taken it before I do take diazapam when necessary)

It all started last week at a conference. I was working, looking aftre a child on a one to one basis. He had down's syndrome and I could cope. sadly it left a few children with extra special needs without support. So I picked these kids up as the days went on. This meant too much work and getting exhausted, so I went to bed for a good three hours in the afternoon.

But this is when my husband called and would recount to me all the difficulties he was having with our ex foster child, who has significant learning difficulties. This all got too much. I was too far away to help so i felt that the cr*p had landed on my head. My normal meds were not wroking under such stress.

I had an evening off to go to an adult talk, butmy mind was restless and I couldn't cope. At the end I broke down into tears and was so distressed that the medcal team came forward to help out. I didn't want them, I was hearing voices and was confused.

The next morning I went backto work, but the medical team checked that I was OK and said the GP on site neeeded to see me, I saw her and she said I couldn't go back to work that night and had to see her again before i was allowed to go back to work the next morning. I couldn't look her in the eye as I thought that she could reada my mind.

But all of this was last week. Since then i have slept but can't get my thoughts back into order. Today I have my Hearing Voices Group and a gym session with my CPN (if she turns up)

my husband is stressed out by a mistake an ex fellow college made, an it affects me as I love him.

Can I stay out of hospital? If I was in one I would be safe. I am not too sure about my own actions. what would happen if I took all 12 lorazapam- or If I climbed up to the top of our block of flats and jumped.

My CPN said I would find peace i I took lorazapam, Did sh man that I would commit suicide or justfall asleep?

Sorry, i am feeling awfully low,

M

[Universal Credit]

Suicidality: Benzodiazepines may sometimes unmask suicidal ideation in depressed patients, possibly through disinhibition or fear reduction. The concern is that, though relatively nontoxic in themselves[verification needed], benzodiazepines may inadvertently become facilitators of suicidal behaviour.[48] Lorazepam should, therefore, not be prescribed in high doses or as the sole treatment in depression, but only with an appropriate antidepressant.

From the Wiki on Lorezapam. Doesn't seem a very good drug(I've flushed these away down the loo, myself) to be on without somekind of external monitoring from someone who knows you well enough to react to any change in your personality, from a chemical contradiction. All told from the description of your fairly chronic stressors I'd go back and ask for something less 'sledgehammer' and which you can take over a longer term?

[mld]

Falling Down, on 04 August 2011 - 11:44 AM, said:

Suicidality: Benzodiazepines may sometimes unmask suicidal ideation in depressed patients, possibly through disinhibition or fear reduction. The concern is that, though relatively nontoxic in themselves[verification needed], benzodiazepines may inadvertently become facilitators of suicidal behaviour.[48] Lorazepam should, therefore, not be prescribed in high doses or as the sole treatment in depression, but only with an appropriate antidepressant.

From the Wiki on Lorezapam. Doesn't seem a very good drug(I've flushed these away down the loo, myself) to be on without somekind of external monitoring from someone who knows you well enough to react to any change in your personality, from a chemical contradiction. All told from the description of your fairly chronic stressors I'd go back and ask for something less 'sledgehammer' and which you can take over a longer term?

Thanks FD

I dont' know where to go back to. It seems as if all my support network are saying the same thing

When I get my brain back I will look into it.

M

[mld]

I have just spent the afternoon at the hearing voices group followed by going to the gym . The HVG was OK at least they let me speak and gave me some ideas. The gym was a disaster as I wasn't in control of my body owing to the amout of Loarapam going around it at the moment.

The voices were bad and I had no strength to get away from them.

The nurses sent me away from the class to speak to the duty nurse, but I got through to my 'rushed off her feet' CPN.

By that time I had already bleeped the crisis team. I want to kill myself, but can't get this through to anyone. It's as though the lorazapam has taken the control of making sense whilstt talking away from me. I hope that this is found on my computer and people will know the turmoil I have been in over the past week or so.

They seeem to think that everything is OK and that i'll be back in contact tomorrow. The way I feel - the lack of plans for the future,it doesn't give me much hope.

I have a new definition of Lorazapam. Icing on a cake. The Christmas cake is all the turmoil in mylife all mixed up and the Lorazapam is trying to keep it all in, it won't let any turmoil escape.

May be around later,

M.

[mld]

Can I think of ten things that I will sad tolose, or they will be sad to lose me if I die?

M

[CaptSpaceBat]

Have you tried talking to anyone else?
When I find life is too much to deal with, I get on to any one or more of:

Saneline http://www.sane.org.uk
0845 767 8000 6pm-11pm everyday

Crisis Line 0800 028 8000

Samaritans http://www.samaritans.org/
08457 90 90 90

[CaptSpaceBat]

There's at least 10 people here whose lives you have brightened by your presence - doesn't that count?

[mld]

I have spoken to my support worker, my CPN, the crisis team and left a message here.

My support worker said phone the oncall person in the cmht. THey weren't there, but my cpn called back, and basically told me off for getting too tired! So I rang the crisis team and they don't know what to do. It wasn't a crisis - what I can't think, I want peace and the only way I can see that is to call an end of my life.

HELP.

m.

[Admin - Rethink]

Hi mld,

Please, please talk to someone else, like Saneline 0845 767 8000. If you really can't, please talk some more to us. The Captain is right, everyone here is on your side, and it is possible to feel better, I can get someone in Rethink to contact you in the morning - I know that's a wait, so please call someone and get through this evening safely.

Chris

[Ellie - Rethink]

mld, on 04 August 2011 - 07:48 PM, said:

I have spoken to my support worker, my CPN, the crisis team and left a message here.

My support worker said phone the oncall person in the cmht. THey weren't there, but my cpn called back, and basically told me off for getting too tired! So I rang the crisis team and they don't know what to do. It wasn't a crisis - what I can't think, I want peace and the only way I can see that is to call an end of my life.

HELP.

m.

It sounds like such a hard time, but please try and ride it out. it might not feel like its worth it, but it'll pass, have you felt like this before? did it go away eventually?

i can only reiterate what the other guys have said - especially about the rethink advisers, they've saved me so many times, they can talk to your cpn for you if you like, do all that practical stuff thats so impossible right now. wait til the morning and see what they say - if you send them an email they'll ring you back. or just email you back if you can't talk.

And the affects of the drugs will fade after a while. you might not find peace, but you'll feel yourself again.
please let us know you're ok

x

[mld]

I'll see what it's like in the morning. I am still under the influence of the drugs I don't want to take. I will speak to ourduty worker tomorrow.

Thanks for everything> Going to bed to sleep now. It will be drug induced as my huband is insisting on me taking a zopiclone

M.

[Admin - Rethink]

Thanks for posting mld - let us know how tomorrow goes, I will check back in the morning. You have support here. x

[Ellie - Rethink]

yeah thanks for replying mid, let us know whats happening. And if we can help anymore x

[CaptSpaceBat]

So good to hear back from you, mld. Please let us know how you are feeling tomorrow; we'll be here and thinking of you x

[mias]

Hey, mld.

Please don't forget we are all right behind you, giving you that helping push that we sometimes give you when you and your hubby are tackling those difficult hills on those long hard walks of yours. How you train and do what you do I will never know, I am sure I couldn't, you are both amazing.

This is just a very very steep hill for you to climb, but you can do it.

[mld]

Hi Ian, Ellie, Chris and Mias.

I am sorry about last night and yesterday. I am so doped up at the moment I can't do anything rash - just sleep.

I want peace and last week reaffirmed for me that there is no way that I can apply for work, Just feeling so down. I might try to get hold of the duty team today just to talk things through. I have a really bad headache as well, a stress headsche and I am also expected to go out to play boules in the local park at 2pm. I will get there, but what's the point.

Speak later,

M.

[CaptSpaceBat]

I'm sorry that you felt the way you did; I hope things are a bit brighter today. Talking to the duty team sounds a good idea - bad as it may feel to revisit , but they need to know how awful yesterday was for you.

Getting out in the sunshine and doing something not too taxing can be helpful, however unlikely it may feel in advance.

Please let us know how you get on today.

[Admin - Rethink]

Hi mld,

Thanks for posting to let us know how you're doing - I agree with the Captain here. Even if you think that something might not help it's worth a try - you could go out, get some air and sunshine without any big expectations, just try it. Let us know how you're doing later if you can. x

[mld]

I couldn't get around to doing anything this morning - but this afternoon I went to the park with m support worker and some others.

I see my CPN next Wdnesday, it seems a long time away. I may see my GP on Sunday, if he is around with his kids. He's a good man, normal like, very un-doctor stuck up like.

Will keep an eye on the board.

Thanks for all your help.

M.

[Ellie - Rethink]

Thats good that you have a GP that understands you, it can be very useful.

Just keeping busy helps, it can been darn unbearable, but it'll slow down the spiral down, might even stop it

Soak up them rays - tis good for the soul

xx