[mias]

I don't know what to do to make things any better. This has been the hardest few years ever and it doesn't look like things are gonna improve for my family any time soon.

Mum understandably has had her life ruined by my brother taking his own life. Dad also of course, although he seems to be coping a little better than mum. We are now all different people to the ones we would have been.

Life is different.

Mum is ill again, her cancer has come back. She did have it before so I can't blame my bro. for her illness but I know it is harder for her to fight this when she feels SO depressed.

She is very stressed and very low. She has a hearing problem (since childhood) and being a very proud and beautiful woman she hates people to know and it has got worse in recent years. This is also upsetting her. She is being so snappy and to be honest very bad tempered.

She needs to be at her strongest to fight this and I am worried sick she won't be. I don't know how to get through the next months and I keep crying at the thought of anything worse happening.

Anything my father says or does really annoys her in a big way, I think I have spent my life trying to keep the peace, but now I understand where she is coming from. Last night she just cried and said she couldn't take any more. I tried to be strong and say all the right things. Really, I felt like giving up too.

Why is life so hard? I want to enjoy it, but there is always something waiting to ruin it.

Not sure I can do this.

[mysticmeg]

Mias you are incredibly strong. You have dealt with so much and you should hold your head up high , because you are a good person.
I know your mum has cancer but maybe you could write her a card and tell her how all the events have affected you. Even in times of worry we need someone on our side and you do too.
What good can you be if you sink lower?
Talk to someone, if not your mum . Myabe rethink have some solution for you .
Be kind to yourself as you need support too, we can't all be strong all the time x

[I am an Aardvark]

Hi Mias

I do hope that things improve for you & your family.

For what it's worth; I'll give my opinion.

One thing I think that we can all agree on is that Life is hard - & it appears hard for everyone - although I do think that Life is very much harder for some people than it is for others.

I think that by & large; it's life that causes people to have MH difficulties - I know that sounds ambiguous - I mean in the sense that mental health isn't really to do with biology, genetics, brain chemicals & the like - (beyond all of that being part of the human condition & nuances of it) - but rather that life throws stuff at us; & depending on the relative strength of people; the Universe & Life conspires to cause some of us to experience what is labelled as 'mental illnesses'. - It's Life that can send people Mad. & in my observations & experience - It's usually the strong people that Life sends Mad.

Like many people on this forum - I've experienced a severe end of what is classed as 'severe mental health difficulties' - & Life is still a struggle with those concerns. I've looked at every theory, angle, & perspective imaginable to try to make some kind of sense of these things.

My Journey (so far), has lead me to some working conclusions.

I know that these are just words; - But these conclusions have come at considerable hard work & a lot of searching. I also know that a lot of this may sound very simple; almost inane - But these things make a lot of sense to me.

For some years now my main focus has simply been on 'relaxing & letting go'. This is in fact the main focus of my life. I know that it's easy to say to just 'relax & let go' - in practise these things can be incredibly hard & require a lot of work.

I have realised more & more the truth & wisdom of the statements - 'Know Thyself', & 'To Thine Own Self Be True'. We are 'here', I think, primarily to deal with our own progress; not in a selfish sense - but to be focused on our own development, healing, wholeness, & 'recovery' from what ails us.

All of the above - all of this can all be summed up in 'Deep Self Acceptance'; & 'Forgiveness of the Self'. In fact - I think that these things are the primary lesson(s) that everyone on the Planet is Learning; & to a greater or lesser degree that a few have largely achieved.

To Love Oneself (non-narcissistic) - is to learn the lesson.

We need to not be so hard on ourselves; & to embrace Life & our experience of Life.

From these things I do think that fundamental changes take place. - Allowance, acceptance at a deeper level, forgiveness (of self & others), non-judgemental perspectives, kindness, & a fuller & more expansive experience of Life.

Guilt is also a hard lesson - but it helps greatly to spend effort on separating out what our part is/was in things; to what isn't our part in things. Guilt, can I think become a very useful & liberating state. Blame however I think is useless.

I am NOT any kind of expert of Life; or in applying these principles. I just have more moments of clarity & lucidity in seeing a certain sense in some of these things. I feel that I am on the 'right' path in Life, & in what I am practising & trying to achieve & learn. It has taken a lot of pain, hardship, & suffering to reach some kind of a working solution as to what I see as the main difficulties. I can see what a long distance I still have to go, & what a vast amount of work still needs doing - but I feel that I have a kind of a map that makes sense to me. Life has opened up slowly for me.

I know that I moan a lot sometimes. I know that I have my issues, difficulties & ongoing problems. But I realise the sense in the saying that 'Life's too short to worry!'. The deaths of 3 people close to me last month has placed things into a lot more perspective for me. People Die & go Mad every minute of the day - But still there is goodness, kindness & fun - mixed in with badness, cruelty & oppression. Both the Good & the Bad needs to be acknowledged to find a balance & healthy perspective on Life.

We all have our own path & individual Journey - & often I think it best that we do let go of others & allow them to follow their own way; & to work things out for themselves. We do need to focus primarily on our own path, our own truth, & our own Life. It is hard to let go & reconcile certain things; & I'm still trying to deal with aspects of things that happened 40 & 20 years ago; although I do acknowledge a lot of progress in these areas.

I don't want to bore you with going on like some demented mystical monk - but just thought that it may help to share my thoughts & some of the working conclusions that I have personally reached on some things. Whether Life brings better times our way - or hardships - it's a surety that the only constant Dynamic of Life is Change; & there is the capacity for things to take many different turns - such is Life.

[ghost]

I think theres a lot of sense in the previous responses Mias x

[mias]

mysticmeg, on 29 July 2010 - 03:05 AM, said:

Mias you are incredibly strong. You have dealt with so much and you should hold your head up high , because you are a good person.
I know your mum has cancer but maybe you could write her a card and tell her how all the events have affected you. Even in times of worry we need someone on our side and you do too.
What good can you be if you sink lower?
Talk to someone, if not your mum . Myabe rethink have some solution for you .
Be kind to yourself as you need support too, we can't all be strong all the time x

Hello mysticmeg,

firstly, I must apologise to you and will to my other online friends that replied to me, for being a snail with my reply. I don't have an excuse just that I didn't really know what else to say and wanted some time to think. I do want you to know that I really appreciate that you took the time to answer. Thank you.

You are right, I will probably have to talk to someone if/when things get harder. Not my parents though, it is not like that for us.. they have always been too busy with their own stuff.

Right now, i am just taking some time alone.

[Blue]

oh mias i am so sorry to hear this, you have supported many of us on here, now its our turn to support you, lean on us hun xxx

[mias]

Blue, on 05 August 2010 - 12:02 PM, said:

oh mias i am so sorry to hear this, you have supported many of us on here, now its our turn to support you, lean on us hun xxx

Thank you Blue x

[mias]

ghost, on 29 July 2010 - 04:26 PM, said:

I think theres a lot of sense in the previous responses Mias x

Yes ghost, there is. x

[cjbsuffolkuk]

Mias

You know in aeroplanes how they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first and then do that of those who need help?

I think you need to have a bit of self-care so you are then able to carry on and help your mum. The anxiety of your situation must be nearly intolerable. I would strongly suggest that you need to take some time out (even if it is just having a long hot bath) for yourself to relieve some of the stress and anxiety so you can proactively help your mother, rather than react to a stressful situation.

Life is always easier if you have a plan.

Good luck

xx

[mias]

[quote name='Cosmic Game' date='29 July 2010 - 04:04 PM' timestamp='1280419448' post='1775']
Hi Mias

I do hope that things improve for you & your family.

For what it's worth; I'll give my opinion.

One thing I think that we can all agree on is that Life is hard - & it appears hard for everyone - although I do think that Life is very much harder for some people than it is for others.

I think that by & large; it's life that causes people to have MH difficulties - I know that sounds ambiguous - I mean in the sense that mental health isn't really to do with biology, genetics, brain chemicals & the like - (beyond all of that being part of the human condition & nuances of it) - but rather that life throws stuff at us; & depending on the relative strength of people; the Universe & Life conspires to cause some of us to experience what is labelled as 'mental illnesses'. - It's Life that can send people Mad. & in my observations & experience - It's usually the strong people that Life sends Mad.

Like many people on this forum - I've experienced a severe end of what is classed as 'severe mental health difficulties' - & Life is still a struggle with those concerns. I've looked at every theory, angle, & perspective imaginable to try to make some kind of sense of these things.

My Journey (so far), has lead me to some working conclusions.

I know that these are just words; - But these conclusions have come at considerable hard work & a lot of searching. I also know that a lot of this may sound very simple; almost inane - But these things make a lot of sense to me.

For some years now my main focus has simply been on 'relaxing & letting go'. This is in fact the main focus of my life. I know that it's easy to say to just 'relax & let go' - in practise these things can be incredibly hard & require a lot of work.

I have realised more & more the truth & wisdom of the statements - 'Know Thyself', & 'To Thine Own Self Be True'. We are 'here', I think, primarily to deal with our own progress; not in a selfish sense - but to be focused on our own development, healing, wholeness, & 'recovery' from what ails us.

All of the above - all of this can all be summed up in 'Deep Self Acceptance'; & 'Forgiveness of the Self'. In fact - I think that these things are the primary lesson(s) that everyone on the Planet is Learning; & to a greater or lesser degree that a few have largely achieved.

To Love Oneself (non-narcissistic) - is to learn the lesson.

We need to not be so hard on ourselves; & to embrace Life & our experience of Life.

From these things I do think that fundamental changes take place. - Allowance, acceptance at a deeper level, forgiveness (of self & others), non-judgemental perspectives, kindness, & a fuller & more expansive experience of Life.

Guilt is also a hard lesson - but it helps greatly to spend effort on separating out what our part is/was in things; to what isn't our part in things. Guilt, can I think become a very useful & liberating state. Blame however I think is useless.

I am NOT any kind of expert of Life; or in applying these principles. I just have more moments of clarity & lucidity in seeing a certain sense in some of these things. I feel that I am on the 'right' path in Life, & in what I am practising & trying to achieve & learn. It has taken a lot of pain, hardship, & suffering to reach some kind of a working solution as to what I see as the main difficulties. I can see what a long distance I still have to go, & what a vast amount of work still needs doing - but I feel that I have a kind of a map that makes sense to me. Life has opened up slowly for me.

I know that I moan a lot sometimes. I know that I have my issues, difficulties & ongoing problems. But I realise the sense in the saying that 'Life's too short to worry!'. The deaths of 3 people close to me last month has placed things into a lot more perspective for me. People Die & go Mad every minute of the day - But still there is goodness, kindness & fun - mixed in with badness, cruelty & oppression. Both the Good & the Bad needs to be acknowledged to find a balance & healthy perspective on Life.

We all have our own path & individual Journey - & often I think it best that we do let go of others & allow them to follow their own way; & to work things out for themselves. We do need to focus primarily on our own path, our own truth, & our own Life. It is hard to let go & reconcile certain things; & I'm still trying to deal with aspects of things that happened 40 & 20 years ago; although I do acknowledge a lot of progress in these areas.

It is hard to let go & reconcile certain things; & I'm still trying to deal with aspects of things that - but just thought that it may help to share my thoughts & some of the working conclusions that I have personally reached on some things. Whether Life brings better times our way - or hardships - it's a surety that the only constant Dynamic of Life is Change; & there is the capacity for things to take many different turns - such is Life.


Hello,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, I wanted to think about it. It has taken me a while. Actually I spent ages replying and then lost it, I am so upset, I will try to do it again.

"I do hope that things improve for you & your family"...Thank you. You know, I would settle for things just not getting any worse.
"


"For what it's worth; I'll give my opinion" .. It's worth lots.




"One thing I think that we can all agree on is that Life is hard - & it appears hard for everyone - although I do think that Life is very much harder for some people than it is for others.

I think that by & large; it's life that causes people to have MH difficulties"

Oh yes, I think it is that and our own make up. Someone that is very sensitive that worries what people think will be more effected (or effected sooner) than someone that is carefree and doesn't give a damn. We are all different though I think we are all just a little bit mad in our own sweet way. What we experience from a tiny baby onward goes toward what we become.
I also think it could be born with us a little like any other trait we may have. I am quite tall and tall people often get problems with their backs especially if they do a lot of sport and dance like myself. Now, if I had not danced maybe I would not have hurt myself quite so soon in life and not suffered until later. It was acasabated by my life but was probably there waiting. (if this makes sense the second time around)?

"I feel that I am on the 'right' path in Life, & in what I am practising & trying to achieve" ... I was happy to read this.

"It is hard to let go & reconcile certain things"

I remember the moment clearly when I knew my brother could not let go of things. I saw it in his eyes.He didn't have to answer me.

"some demented mystical monk" Now that conjures up a fun picture in my mind

"it's a surety that the only constant Dynamic of Life is Change; & there is the capacity for things to take many different turns - such is Life."

Yes, 'such is life'. A roller coaster ride for some of us hey?

[mias]

cjbsuffolkuk, on 05 August 2010 - 01:18 PM, said:

Mias

You know in aeroplanes how they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first and then do that of those who need help?

I think you need to have a bit of self-care so you are then able to carry on and help your mum. The anxiety of your situation must be nearly intolerable. I would strongly suggest that you need to take some time out (even if it is just having a long hot bath) for yourself to relieve some of the stress and anxiety so you can proactively help your mother, rather than react to a stressful situation.

Life is always easier if you have a plan.

Good luck

Thank you. It is funny that you should say this to me as I have been thinking that I must do just that. My parents are away at the moment (a nice break for mum before her chemo - Fri 13th!) and I have been spending some time at their home. Have had so many visitors and things to do that I suddenly decided enough was enough and that I must save a couple of days for myself to just 'be'. I always feel bad though if I can't do what people want or expect of me but I am learning to say no. Actually I have learnt from online friends here that we must accept what we can and can't do and make the best of that.

As for a plan, well, I plan to have a day off tomorrow





xx

[mias]

Sorry folks for not doing a quick reply to Cosmic Games reply!

[mias]

My link



Trying to put lovely YouTube on for you not done it on here yet, not sure how.

[mias]

[Blue]

what a lovely version of over the rainbow x

[mias]

I love this song and always look for beautiful versions. Pleased you liked it.

[ramboghettouk]

Good for you, i remember when my father died i felt that a part of me had been excised, i find funerals comforting even though i have doubts about the faith, my mother can't walk, my sister has taken 2 days off work, theres a crisis brewing

I found religion comforting when my father was ill, though as i said whether i believe in anything is questionable

[ghost]

I know that version from somewhere but i can't think where, still, i like it

[mias]

oh dear. Sorry about your mum Rambo.

[mias]

It has started. 6 months of Chemotherapy.

It took 6 hours for the drugs to be administered yesterday.

She was not unwell apart from slight pains in her tum.

Today mum still having cramps. I am hoping they will ease by tomorrow.


So far - coping.