[Olivia - Rethink]

We are often contacted by people who have a mother or father with a mental illness diagnosis asking for advice or just wanting to find out what it's like for others and swap advice, so we have started a new forum here on RethinkTalk for sons and daughters.

Do you have a parent affected by mental illness? What has it been like for you? What has been difficult and what have you learnt along the way?


Olivia

[ethansmum]

I'm glad this is here!!

I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder with depression and my mum has a severve mental illness.

I have a 3 year old son so Im a carer, parent and service user!!

I'd like to connect with people in my situation most definatley as Im struggling with my mum at present.

Ive accessed loads of help and started a Facebook group as mental health issues need to be out there - we all need more support, especially people like me.

[Olivia - Rethink]

ethansmum, on 18 April 2011 - 06:03 PM, said:

I'm glad this is here!!

I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder with depression and my mum has a severve mental illness.

I have a 3 year old son so Im a carer, parent and service user!!

I'd like to connect with people in my situation most definatley as Im struggling with my mum at present.

Ive accessed loads of help and started a Facebook group as mental health issues need to be out there - we all need more support, especially people like me.

Hi Ethansmum,

That's great that you have set up a Facebook group. You might like to also check out Rethink and Time to Change's Facebook pages too.

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with - I hope you are getting the support that you need. Do you get any help with caring for your mum?

Olivia

[ethansmum]

She has daily care package but shes resistant to others help and only wants me and my step brother to do things but we can't and don't want to.

Shes recently resorted to throwing herself on the floor and faking falls recently.

I know this sounds alarming but shes admitted its for attention and the ambulance repoond every time.

I dont know what else to do? Shes spent most of the last 4 weeks in hospital.

She has a social worker and Mental health support worker / care coordinator but her MH worker has been off sick for 2 months with no replacement.

She gets in hospital and then gets discharge as she agrees to home carers. As soon as she gets home, she decides to fake a fall again. Its a nightmare.

[Olivia - Rethink]

That sounds so difficult. Do you have any contact with her social worker yourself? Perhaps they can help discuss a replacement for the mental health worker as 2 months is a long time for her to be without one.

You might also like to call our advice and information line on 020 7840 3188 Monday to Friday 10am - 1pm or email them on advice@rethink.org to find out what you may be able to do if you feel the care your mother is receiving isn't adequate.

Let us know how you're getting on.

Best wishes,

Olivia

[Sam S]

ethansmum, on 18 April 2011 - 05:03 PM, said:

I'm glad this is here!!

I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder with depression and my mum has a severve mental illness.

I have a 3 year old son so Im a carer, parent and service user!!

I'd like to connect with people in my situation most definatley as Im struggling with my mum at present.

Ive accessed loads of help and started a Facebook group as mental health issues need to be out there - we all need more support, especially people like me.

Hi

Its hard being a daughter!

My mum has depression and I had it 6 years ago. It seems to run in the women in my family as my gran has had it too. Both my mum and gran have obsessive problems, my mums is buying from charity shops and my grans (was before she was house bound) buying shoes. I became depressed when I found out the first time round that my mum had it. I was away at uni (and hours drive) so I felt helpless, i used to speak to her every other day when I was at uni and I used to find dialing the number very stressfull as I knew that when I spoke to her there wouldnt be much there. I could hear the trouble in her voice and it broke my heart. I also found out that it started when I went away to uni so that guilt was unbearable. My sister has special needs so my mum being ill and the worry/guilt I always have had regarding my sister, problems with my then boyfriend coupled together sent me into a depression. In the end i went to my dr who gave me anti depression pills. For the first few weeks I felt even worse but the slowely I became stronger and that awful black cloud was lifted. I also went to councilling but found it too difficult, when i tried to talk about anything I would cry so much I couldnt even speak.

Years since I have been fine, my mum got over hers and everything seemed ok. Then last year my gran and grandad became ill and my mum started getting more and more stressed with it all. My grandad died in a nursing home that was a horrible place, it smelt of urine the staff weren't very friendly and I think she feels immensley guilty for this. My gran is fine in her head but is in constant pain with arthiritis and needs both hips replacing but is too old to get it done, she is house bound but is refusing to move to nursing home/assisted living. My mum battles with her but gets knowwhere and has given up as she does not want to upset her. She has carers but she wont let them put her in bed so she somehow takes herself to bed, she wets herself as she is in too much pain to get to the the toilet. My mum goes every other sunday to wash her/clean house.shop etc.. my mum is 61 and finds this extremely difficult.

5 days ago I was asleep (living at my mums as currently buying a house and not moved in yet so have been there for 2 months with my boyfriend) My dad came in and found my mum face down breathing heavy and with blood all under her she had collapsed and had bust her nose he rang an ambulance I came down and it was awful she was refusing to go to hospital she kept saying they will lock her up in a mental home I thought she was just confused. Managed to get her there in the end they did tests couldnt find what had happened but she refused to stay 24 hours while they monitored her (extremely upsetting for me and my father) she said she hated hospitals and would not stay. In the hospital she admitted she hadnt slept for 2 nghts as she had found a funny looking mole. The dr confirmed she thought it was fine but said she needed to see the gp. My mum kept crying while we were waiting for results kept saying she hated her life. We got her home and after checking on her constantly, taking her to the gp etc she seems to be phsically more on the mend. But she is very low in mood. I have since found out off my dad she was hospitalised in the 70's for a week after she couldnt cope with moving from where she was brought up to 30 mins away. He said she was suicidal he also told me she has been drinking around 4 bottles of whiskey a week (she only drinks/smokes after 10 and goes to bed at 12.30 so is a very short period to drink this much and smoke 10 fags a night) We are trying to help her but she told me I am doing her head in and me and my dad are telling her what to do. I really dont know where to go from here. She probably had a fit from having a bad cold/stress/depression/drinking and I am so scared it could happen again I cant bear to leave her. She says smoking/drinking is all she has (what do I say to that). She has had terrible probelms with my gran all her life she is a very controling women my mum says she loves her but doesnt like her as a person, her and my dad have had a lot of issues in the past and the worry of my sister are problems I dont know how to sort out.

Im scared of falling into a depression myself and dont know wether my feeling low now is just how anyone would feel or whether im falling into one.

[mld]

Hi Sam,

You seem to be having a difficult time at the moment. I can't offer any advice, but I am sure that there are others who will read what you have written and will respond.

Just wanted to say welcome and look after yourself. If you are going into depression, or are wondering whether you are, it might be worth a visit to your GP sometime soon.

M.

[Toblerone]

I think the hardest thing for me about having a parent with a mental illness is the fact that it was so easy for her to go undiagnosed. My parents went through a messy divorce when I was 4, complicated by some serious accusations made by my mother against my father - despite a complete lack of evidence for these accusations it seems that no-one questioned whether the claims she was making were the result of mental health problems or delusions; over the years my mother became increasingly isolated and showing more and more signs of mental health problems. I didn't have any real idea who to talk to when I started noticing signs of mental illness and she wasn't close enough to any other adults for them to notice until she had a complete breakdown. After that she was diagnosed with depression, no one explained to me what this was, gave her counselling/therapy, or made any effort to ensure she took her medication. I was around 9 at the time but if someone had told me what depression was I could have told them that it was a wrong diagnosis, as it was it never occurred to me to question a doctor. So that was 9 more years of living under the sole custody of someone who's schizophrenic, not depressed. I just feel there's generally not enough information about mental health especially in schools and that the care given can be a little - inadequate.

[mg12]

i have a step daughter who after two years battling in the courts to prove she has a mental health disorder and then finally getting her sectioned and the nhs referal to a private hospital where they want to ignore the mental health act code of practice.
i will continue my fight with them untill her rights are followed
i would like to offer advice to any one who would like to talk
mike

[Sommer43]

I am a daughter, aged 43 with a mother who has schizophrenia,

My mother had late teen onset of schizophrenia, which her family refused to accept, therefore she went unmedicated for many, many years. I have my own horror story of what I went through as a child at my mother's hands, and gain no release from writing it out.

However, as an offspring of a parent with this awful illness, what I have learned as a parent myself, and studying about my mother's condition and reaching out to other carers, is that I have learned to live with the events that happened to me, have learned to accept Mum's condition and that as long as I keep my boundaries in place, she can still lead a good life, in her little home with the help from around us. While mental health services are porr in my area, I have had to dig and knock on doors to secure the community support for my mother. I have my own family, my own job and own home to manage and Mum can be very draining, tiresome even when with her. But I am very specific about my input into her, meds are administered by carers each day, and while she she's med compliant, Mum is great, going to luncheon clubs, the hairdressers, etc. I got the local church involved, so the priest visits her once a week for a cuppa, she lives in sheltered accommodation and I control all her finances, her health and well being too. When she has kicked off, which she does, I am firm and fair with her. I don't take any nonsense. My mother was homeless on and off for many years, due to people taking advantage of her, her unable to maintain a home and now with my input she does. I take her every week to pay her bills and shopping, take her laundry, she has carers attending three times a day, through the County Council, which we pay £15.00 p0er week for, which is a godsend, she receives attendance allowance to pay for this.

It is so hard, but it can be done, caring for a person with mental health issues is draining, but the support is out there, hard to find but it is.

What I have read is that the support is lacking for families. So much anguish could have been avoided in many, many families, were mental health services better as a whole. I was told at the MDT meeting for my mother, that it was her choice to be homeless, what a ridiculous comment. She was unable to manage and had slipped through the system, my mother for many years, she detached herself, yet they also detached from her. No longer, the first "erm" out of their mouths and I am breathing down their necks.

A great thread and I am pleased to have found it.

[Tincan]

hi all just want to say wat top ppl u are id say keep up the gd work but works the wrong word to use but a big thank u from all us sufferers we are not alone !!!!!!!!!!!

[Justanother1]

Olivia - Rethink, on 18 April 2011 - 01:42 PM, said:

We are often contacted by people who have a mother or father with a mental illness diagnosis asking for advice or just wanting to find out what it's like for others and swap advice, so we have started a new forum here on RethinkTalk for sons and daughters.

Do you have a parent affected by mental illness? What has it been like for you? What has been difficult and what have you learnt along the way?


Olivia

Hi, i'm not sure if it's a mental illness at all, whether it's just someone who's lonely or does have mental health problems.

The thing is one of my parents seems to be very dependent, they have to visit on certain days of the week. They say when walking around that they love the peace and quiet, but can't stop talking! They say they don't need anyone yet seem to be better (most of the time) when they have been with a partner. When they have had a partner in the past myself and a sibling didn't get the visits as often.

The visits by the way tend to make me feel drained, and at times irritated. Then I feel ashamed and guilty for feeling that way.

[Philippa]

Hi everyone

My Mum has just had a nervous breakdown and I felt very ashamed. She has been paranoid about the doctors and so we didn't get help for far too long. It has been horrible and frightening to see her so ill.

It is good to read about other's experiences

[Aladinsane]

On reflection I now realize that my mother and father were both personality disordered. Although they were deeply flawed they didn't seek help nor come out of denial, they just couldn't face the pain so instead myself my brother and two sisters had to suffer the consequences.

I would say my mother definitley had BPD and my father NPD.


Aladinsane

[lucyrey]

Hi all,

I am a 25 year old daughter with a mother who has been detained in hospital for psychotic depression. We looked after her for three days with it, helping her with relaxing and we were up all night trying to help her sleep. She become very distressed a lot and was hitting herself and crawling on the floor. We had to get the doctors out and then he asked my mother to have a psychiatric assessment. The crisis team came in and my mum voluntarily went into psychiatric hospital. It is the hardest thing my family have ever had to deal with. I am deeply distraught and want to help my mother but i feel there is is nothing i can do. I just want her to recover as soon as possible. It would be brilliant to speak to others who have gone through the same experience and have any good advice on how to cope?

Lucy xxx

[mld]

Hi Lucy,

I hope some others read your post. I am sorry that you have had to care for your mum through a psychotic episode, it's frightening for the individual going through the psychosis, but I a sure you must have been wondering what was also going on.

I'm glad she is now in hospital and they will get her medication sorted, and she will be back to 'normal' soon.

You are important so it might be worth starting your own thread in the daughters and sons slot rather than adding your new comment on the end of a previous one, if you see what I mean.

Take care of yourself,

M.

[mias]

Hello,
Oh how worrying for all concerned and your Mum must be very frightened. All I can say is, I believe that if Mum and Dad (well Mum really) had alowed my brother to stay in hospital I think he would have recovered enough to have a good life, even if he did relapse On occasion. just what I think in hindsite.