Feelings of guilt

Siblings report feeling guilty for a number of reasons when they have a brother or sister who is affected by mental illness. Some siblings feel guilty about:

• the level of support they are able, or willing, to provide
• not being able to help their sibling to recover, or feeling that they could have stopped this happening
• feelings they have toward their sibling or parent, such as resentment about the lack of attention or time they get from their parents due to a siblings mental illness
• why this has happened to their sibling and not to them
• getting on with life themselves
• not living up to expectations they feel are put on them because their sibling is unwell
• having their own problems and needing help
  
• getting angry with their sibling for their behaviour when unwell

These feelings can be confusing and at times overwhelming. It can help to try and think about why you feel guilty, for instance, do you really feel you are able to provide more support, or in fact are you providing a level of support that you feel is right for you?

Some siblings say they feel guilty or blame themselves for what has happened to their sibling, as do many parents. Remember that mental illness can happen to anyone and it is not something you could have controlled.

Siblings have told us that they can sometimes feel guilty about their emotional reactions, for instance feeling guilty about anger or resentment they might sometimes feel toward their sibling or family. Try to remember that you are likely to have a lot of mixed responses to certain behaviours and situations that have affected you, and it is ok to admit to these feelings, which are very natural in any family relationship.

Siblings can also feel guilty about getting on with their own life. It can be difficult not to compare your life with that of your sibling and feel guilty when you are 'successful' without the difficulties they may be facing because of their illness. Siblings can also feel guilty about going on to do other things and leaving their family to cope as they move away to university, move house, or start a family of their own. You are allowed to move on with your life too and you should allow yourself to think about your own future.

If your feelings are very difficult to cope with, you might like to try counselling, or talk to a close family member or friend about your feelings. Siblings also report that it is helpful to talk to others who understand. You can do this through the Siblings Network by:

• Talking to siblings on RethinkTalk
• Joining a sibling support group