Telling someone about self harm

Many people who self harm feel isolated, partly because of the feelings they have, partly because friends and family do not know about the harm or because friends and family do not understand or accept your self harm. Even when people stop self harm scars are a permanent reminder to people and eventually you may decide to or have to explain to someone what has happened.

There are many different ways of telling someone about your self harm. You do not necessarily have to tell them face to face, you could also write it in a letter. Here are a few pointers that people have found helpful:

Be sensitive to the other person's feelings
It can be nearly as hard for them to hear it as it is for you to tell them. They may be feeling guilt that they did not pick it up earlier or if they did / did not do something to make you do this. Be open to misconceptions about self harm, it will give you an idea of how you can help them come to term with it.

Explain that you are telling them because you love them
Let them know that it is because you love and trust them that you feel able to tell them. Let the person you are telling know you are not trying to punish, manipulate, or guilt-trip them.

Pick a place that is private and allow plenty of time
Try to pick somewhere comfortable and private where you will not be interrupted. The person you are telling may want time to take in what you have said, but they may also want time to ask you questions and talk more about it.

Don't tell others in anger
Take things gently, don't blame the person you are talking to for your self harm. To get the love and understanding you want you will have to be sensitive and give some love to receive some back. This is important even if you think the person you are telling has contributed to the problems that led to your self harm.

Consider having someone else present
If you have a friend or therapist who understands self harm you might want them to be there also. They might be able to help you tell the person and answer questions.

Provide as much information as you can
 This is crucial. The more someone knows about something, the less they fear it. Many people have misconceptions about self harm. Be prepared to give them contact points of where they can find out more, or books that explain self harm. Be as well informed as you can so that you can answer their questions.

Be willing and prepared to answer their questions
You have to educate them about self harm. You might want to think about the questions they will ask and try to put together your answer. You should have a good idea of what you want to do about your self harm and perhaps what you want them to do. Decide what your boundaries are going to be, what is ok to talk about and what isn't. Give them a place to contact for things that you find too intrusive to talk about.

You don't need to go into the most disturbing topics in the first conversation.
Avoid graphic descriptions - You can give better descriptions if they need it.