Lost relationships

09 November 2011 | 12:18 PM

Sunshine

Topics: Siblings, Young people, Family and friends

It’s been a while now since there was any darkness weighing down the corners of my life. I’m enjoying the normal everyday aspects of university life, friendship and family visits, and I am flying high, feeling excited and intoxicated by a new relationship. I guess that because for the moment, it’s just me, it is only me that I see.

Although I am enjoying my life, I think a lot about how my extended family decided that they didn’t want anything to do with my family, and I wonder how it possibly could have come to this. I understand how hard it is, to deal with people who are ill, to constantly have the worry pressing down on your head. I’ve lived with my mum’s illness and depression for as long as I can remember and my brother’s depression, so I do honestly understand. But there is a difference from me wanting some time to myself to enjoy my intoxicating happiness, to cutting off from anything bad that could be potentially upsetting.

I know that relationships grow weak and thin, especially when harsh words are thrown around like raindrops. Maybe I am naive, but family is family isn’t it? Would you really kick your own family out into the street? When they were at their weakest? Apparently so, and apparently it’s not uncommon for families to walk away from family members because they can no longer deal with their illnesses, with their depression.

You see my grandparents, they don’t talk to me either, even though I have tried to talk to them, even though I am not my mum, or my dad, even though really I have done nothing other than love them. They’re blaming me for whatever battles they believe they are fighting with my parents. And what can I do really, when I am not even angry with them. I am sad that I won’t know when my grandparents have died, I am sad that they don’t seem to miss me the way I miss them, I am sad that the last time I spoke to my nan she said I love you and I will get in touch soon, and I believed her. The thing is they can’t deal with unhappiness, and my family can’t deal with using temporary plasters to hide the truth from them, so maybe it’s for the best. Superficial relationships are for co-workers and fair-weather friends, not family.

All in all, I would run to them tomorrow if they called and said they needed me, because they are my family, because I love them even though they have hurt those that I care most about in the world. Because I believe in family, even if they don’t.

For help and support for brothers and sisters affected by mental illness visit: www.rethink.org/siblings

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Family

I have a brother with emtional issues and these issues have turned him into an alcoholic. I have been there for him for one disaster in his life after another and have given him food, money, shleter and anything elese that I could. This has gone on for YEARS and I am tired. My first marriage partly broke up because of him and his constant neediness. I tried to point him to help and when I say that know that as a mental health worker, I know where help is. Over time, he took and took and caused one issue after another in my families lives. We all tried...too much really. I finally reached a point where the damage he was doing to me could not be sustained and had to break away from him for a time. I talk to him now but I can no longer offer him help. So I say to you, before assuming that they do not love you, ask what they may be running from, how much pain might your illness have caused to them? I am sorry to sound like I am blaming you because I am not, but it is important to look at our actions and ask ourselves if we ever held ourselves accountable for them, illness or not?

2. At 11:46 PM on 22 January 2012 Zoe wrote:

Questions...

I admire what you've said. But I have a question for you... Family is undoubtedly important. I love every single member of my family. But my brother, who the doctors seem to think suffer from mental health issues, has done some rather bad things to other members of my family. So, my question is this. If a sibling (or other family member) has done some real, serious damage to other family members (as well as myself) as, perhaps, a result of his mental health issues, do you still think it is the case that he should be forgiven? No matter what?

3. At 10:18 AM on 16 November 2011 poppy wrote:

look after yourself

Hey sunshine, read your post and as there are no replies am writing to say good on you for looking after yourself, even though there are relationship difficulties and family struggles. People and freindships are often fraught, and maybe people tend to bring family issues to the wider 'freindships', even co workers and 'fairweather freinds'. Its odd how as humans none of us is able to exist as an island, yet often instead of reaching out and supporting one another, its stange how people can attack, be horrid and downright hostile to each other. So its definitely not just you, sometimes people throw off key curve balls, and bat downright badly, for what reasons? If only one had an answer to that... Just look around the world and see the senseless wars and genociede that continues to happen... its so very sad, and that is the so called world 'leaders' that perpetuate that. If that worldview is what is presented what hope do the people on the street have of aleviatieng the suffering? It sounds like you are taking some good time out for yourself, try to accept that things will ease, and look to people who support and accept you for you. Lots of luck Good wishes Poppy

Lost relationships

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Family

Questions...

look after yourself

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