A holiday with my brother

Thing is, I had an amazing time and I knew I would. The reason I could be sure, and this is what I told them, is that I know I can live with my brother, I know everything about him, and I know that we can have really good nights out. He wouldn't get on my nerves and we wouldn't argue. We were hardly ever on our own anyway; we met so many great people out there that we never encountered a dull moment on our 14-day holiday. We even got to see turtles!

There were hard points of course, the bathroom door locked for a long time when he hadn't seemed well the night before, and even a night that kept me lying awake wondering if phoning my parents or an ambulance would be the right solution. See we had an argument and he went missing for a few hours. Upon his return he was angry, distant. It scared me. It had me lying awake looking at him while he slept. Thing is, I have a relentless sense of loyalty towards James. This is probably because we are so close, but sometimes I wonder whether it is also because I feel I have to look out for him, that I can’t let him down because I want to show him that I care and always will, to let him know that I am here even if everything else is going wrong.

I felt so strongly that night the right thing to do would be to stick it out and not call the ambulance or our parents, because I felt that the next day things would look that little bit brighter (unlike James' hangover). Even though it was really hard to feel like I couldn't control it, to see him the way he was and to sit by and do nothing, I didn't want to ruin his holiday due to an alcohol-induced depressive episode. I felt like I had to put him before myself, because if I didn’t, I don't think I could have forgiven myself.

See the way I look at it, when you love someone, you do what you need to to keep them safe, to help them, to see them smile. If you asked me, ‘Isn't it hard?’, the answer would be yes. Yes it's hard, because I am human, and I am selfish. I think to myself, what about me James? Why can't you see me in all of this, but I know at times like that, it's not him, it's his illness. There have been times, when I have purposefully stayed away from my family home, because even though all they wanted me to do was to stay and fight, all I wanted to do was get up and leave. I'm not perfect, we all have our moments of weakness, but in all honesty, if life was easy, I wouldn't appreciate it so much. I don't think I would understand what it is to be happy.

That night in our apartment in Zante, I lay there wishing I was magic, wishing I could wave a wand, know what to do to make it all go away, to make the thoughts in his head ones that make him smile. I couldn't help blaming the world, for wearing him down, for making him feel like he should be ashamed for having an illness like any other. I watched that new Time to Change advert today, attempting to get rid of the stigma of mental illness. I'm hoping something changes soon. If only I were magic. My brother has a new girlfriend now and I haven't seen him so happy in a long time. She seems so lovely, and I am really pleased for him. I have just moved into my new flat and am awaiting my next year at university. As I said, things are looking up. Watch this space.

Editors note:

If you, or someone you know, are feeling suicidal, we feel it is important that you talk to someone.

Either speak to someone you know and trust, or call your crisis team, your GP, 999 or one of these numbers:

Samaritans www.samaritans.org
08457 90 90 90 available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Saneline www.sane.org.uk 0845 767 8000 6pm-11pm everyday

Papyrus www.papyrus-uk.org  is a young suicide prevention charity, with resources for everyone affected by these issues and they have a Hopeline telephone service for anyone concerned about a younger person, or young people who are worried about themselves.
0800 068 41 41 available Monday – Friday, 10am – 5pm and 7pm – 10pm, Weekends 2pm – 5pm

We also have factsheets for anyone affected by suicide in the mental health shop including:
Suicide prevention factsheet (215 kb) - for if someone you know is feeling suicidal
Dealing with suicidal feelings (132 kb) - for if you are trying to cope with suicidal feelings yourself

If you have a brother or sister who is affected by mental illness, you can find further information for siblings on the Rethink Siblings website and in the sibling factsheet section (with info sheets including how to support a sibling who is feeling suicidal, and helping a sibling who is depressed), talk to siblings online in our sibling forum, join a sibling support group, and find out more about our young siblings programme of workshops for siblings aged 14-25.