Start the World, I want to Get On

For as long as I can remember Christmas has been a strange time for me, even as a child I seemed to always end the day in tears, already mourning the loss of another exciting event. I knew that it would be what felt like forever and a day until the next big 'high'. The death thoughts have started again too. Not thoughts of my death or of suicide, but rather pre-occupation with the thought of losing my loved ones. It's one of the most embarrassing and difficult aspects of my mental chemistry to deal with. I can be in a car full of people and suddenly start to cry at a song lyric on the radio the rest of them barely notice, let alone felt overwhelmed by. There's a particularly bothersome one at the moment about wanting to be 'young forever' which gets me every time. I'm welling up even as I type thinking about it - I wonder if I can bribe Chris Moyles to remove it from his playlist so I can make it to work without a breakdown?  

Work. The bane of my life, the box I am in. I was doing well for quite a few months there; highly organised, deadlines met early, allowing myself to be a little social. Now I am back to the girl who stands at the plastic mail tray waiting on paper to come out of it. Uhm, no, that's not the printer Sarah...I am right on the edge and yet no one really notices or cares. My manager is missing in action - off filming a TV programme, and I have been left with a senior workload I feel unable to handle. But I know I have to or I will be fired and I have bills to pay. Manic spending is a real pain in the neck to pay off. I desperately need a job that is creative or worthwhile; the arts sector or charity. I wish I was a writer like my big brother or a yummy mummy like my big stay at home in her big house sister.
 
There is an upside though, I can't ignore the positive moves I have made in the past while. I have started volunteering one day a week in a primary school as a Classroom Assistant and although the teachers can be cold and the staff room even colder, I enjoy helping the children with their work, especially the creative and English comprehension aspects. I have also joined a dance class and the gym, lost some weight and am eating regularly and healthily. I still battle the odd demon with food but generally manage to win. My boyfriend is still an incredible support to me and I wonder sometimes if anyone has written a Guide to Your Bipolar Girlfriend I could give him. Although, to be honest, he always manages to 'wing it' no matter what I throw at him. Finally, I have contacted The Open University about finishing my degree and applied for a Credit Transfer. Pray to God that if I work hard and finish my English degree, I can find happiness. Your job is not what defines you, but if you are stuck in a dead end one, it can really make you feel like someone who fell off the world when it was spinning too fast. It's hard to get back on.