Ghosts of a Playground Past

The upsides are I'm earning money and I'm not alone all day. One major downside is causing me trouble however: bullying in the work place.

Sometimes I think we never really progress beyond the school years. We remain frozen in time as the studious serious types; the effortlessly cool girls with their cliques; the bullies who exact power to hide a deep-rooted insecurity; the overachievers; the class comedian. I find that I am so incredibly exhausted and disappointed with the endless cycle of backstabbing which takes place in work. I am plagued by what I call 'The Fear' - when my anxiety and paranoia soar to lunar heights knowing that for every person trying to bend my ear in secret about another they must, by law of averages, be bending someone else’s to a 90 degree angle about me.

In school I was a mis-fit. Not in primary school, just in secondary school. I had girls walk up to me on the hockey pitch and call me fat and write derogatory things about me on the backs of their hands in French class. Looking back at my 7 stone frame (6 stone 4lbs by the time I was 19) I know I wasn't fat. I wasn't cool either. I just wanted to be in the drama club and go to the library at lunch without getting my name written all over blackboards for it. School was a painful time and it doesn't take much to remind me of it when I witness bullying and isolation happening in the workplace. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Saint, I have days when I am bugged by others behaviours or traits, but I don't use cattiness as a recreational activity and I'm not in a position of power abusing it or trying to systematically break someone’s self-esteem.

I wonder how we can be expected to be open and honest with our employers about mental illness when those in senior positions instigate negativity and a culture of fear amongst staff. I am trying therefore to keep a promise to myself that I won't get wrapped up in gossip or badmouthing and that I will tell my colleagues if I am uncomfortable with the conversation, especially those senior to me. This is a scary and intimidating thing to do as you are instantly placing yourself in a minority who is more than likely going to be discussed out of ear shot.I have spoken to friends over the past few weeks about their own experiences at work with bullying or victimisation. Some of my friends have mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression and panic disorder, some don't. All had experienced or witnessed bullying, isolation or some form of verbal abuse at work. I find this so incredibly sad and wonder how it is that ten years after leaving the school yard we still sometimes find ourselves wanting to hide at lunch. I think that companies need to adopt a strict zero tolerance policy against any form of behaviour in work which can be considered bullying, so that managers of all ages do not adopt playground behaviour. There are campaigns out there in the media backed by celebrities to stop bullying in schools, I'm not sure that there is one for adults in the workplace. There should be.

Another issue I have spoken to a few people about is the fear of taking time off work due to mental illness and the guilt which can accompany it. When I was ill, I certainly felt guilty for not being in the office and paranoid about what people would be saying. Eventually I did get to the point where I was able to say to myself 'I'm ill and I need to be at home' without feeling overly sorry for it. The stigma of mental health is often present when your illness is made known to your employer. I have seen people roll eyeballs and tut when told that someone is on 'stress' leave or similar. I have come to look at it from the point of view that if I had a head injury it would be perfectly acceptable by all that I take time off, even if the injury was not visible. Mental illness is also not necessarily visible, but it is powerfully debilitating at times.

I was wondering if anyone else is experiencing ‘The Fear' in work at the moment and how you are coping with it or if your work place has a positive approach to overcoming bullying? In the meantime, I am embarking on job hunting and possibly looking into completing my degree in the hopes of obtaining the creative job in writing or theatre that I so desperately want. I'll try and stay clear of the playground bullies as I go along...wish me luck!