A Bipolar Holiday

I've just returned from my first holiday abroad with my boyfriend. We both desperately needed it after the year we have had so far- my illness and diagnosis, a sporting injury causing him to have to give up a life long love of football and various other hurdles and punches to jump over and duck. Our first 4 days are perfect; relaxed, sunny, exciting, idyllic. I feel 'normal' for the first time in months and only think of my condition when taking my medication.

Then the 5th day happens. My boyfriend's boss calls him to say a colleague died the previous night. He is of course devastated. I instantly burst into tears, they are burning hot and salty and I wipe them from under my sunglasses trying not to let him see that I have cracked. Why am I crying? I didn't even know his colleague. No. I am crying out of anger. I feel like the fires of hell themselves have suddenly been lit deep inside my stomach. I am irate that his boss could not let him have 7 days of peace and freedom from worry. She knew what kind of year we have had and that we were both abroad together. There was no outcome other than that the news would mar our one chance to get away from it all and add even more stress to us both. I am crying because I cannot express this anger. I am also crying out of pity for us both that it seems every time a wave crashes and we are in calm waters, another overwhelms us without warning. It has become an exhausting pattern.  Regardless of this, we manage to have some fun during our final few days, but neither of us are in the same frame of mind after the phonecall. I remain angry at what I feel was a selfish act from someone who likes to gossip and bear bad news. My boyfriend is devastated at the loss of a friend and again we are supporting each other. I wonder if I am being irrational in my anger and frantically text family and friends to ask their opinion. The consensus so far is that she shouldn't have called. It was very poor judgement.
 
Since our return I am full of disquiet and uneasiness. I am meant to return to work in a week but I can't imagine sitting still or acting interested in a mind numbing and anxiety inducing job. I wish that the job centre had a 'vacancies specifically for Bipolars section.' I'm serious. I have googled 'jobs abroad' at least 20 times this week. I feel cheated that I have to live in a rain soaked and grey town, feeling like a par boiled potato, when such a healthier and happier lifestyle lies only 3 hours away. As a Portuguese man said to me 'I spend lots of time outside, I work but I love it.' I feel like a battery hen.
 
I'm seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow for a medication review and I am going to have to try and explain my very mixed up thoughts and contradictory behaviours. I also need to have moved house by Saturday and get myself into an acceptable state of being for returning to work. My biggest fear is crying in public; in the office. If they could just invent a pill to stop crying I would feel better instantly in some respect. 

Someone said to me recently 'You can't control what others do, but you can control your reactions to it.' With my illness, nothing could be further from the truth. Try telling a Bronchitis patient not to cough, then come back to me.