Frustration...

When too many things pile up I really cannot cope with and end up curling up in a ball, trying to block the world out. When the voices are loud as well I am fighting high stress levels from the constant criticism the voices have about my actions.I had a trainee therapist giving me some assessments, four in total, for what I believed was long-term therapy, which is what my CPN asked for - however he seemed to be confused about this.

After four sessions he told me he would be happy to work with me for therapy, but then a letter came through the door - and broke me in two. He was only offering therapy until this September which was not long enough at all, but the other blow was it was only on a Friday, the day of my hearing voices group.

I talked it through with him, but he could not budge so I was yet again back at square one. My voices went into overdrive telling me how useless I was and that I was undeserving of any help etc.I completely believed them and, as other stresses came to the forefront of my mind, I believed that my girlfriend was totally better off without me. I admit, I did not deal with the stress and voices in a constructive way and ended up making myself sick and tired. Nights were spent crying and most days spent exhausted from crying and lack of sleep...I was at a complete loss at what to do. So I put all of my efforts into my online forum and made a video to try and change the stigma around voices, but it still did not make me feel like I was actually achieving something worthwhile.

The worry over the government cutting funding for mental health, local services seemingly trying to get rid of the one therapist I can use, and whether or not I will still be able to get benefits – are all stressing me out. When you have no money and you have to rely on the local services to provide what you need, such as a therapist, it can have far-reaching impact.And simple things can be devastating for vulnerable people. I had to take one of my pet mice to the vet and to others that would not be a big deal - but to me that was my fault, a disaster. The flat is falling to bits, the computer broke, the car needs sorting out, I’m having problems with my bank, my physical health is getting worse and my mental health seems like it’s going nowhere.I am still attending my group and seeing my CPN, but there is only so much they can do. At the moment I would say I am finding things extremely hard, but I put the mask on and just keep going, in the hope that things will get better.