The drugs don’t work

Here’s a quick multiple choice question, what would you do? Your medication isn’t working;

a)    go back to the doctor
b)    start drinking heavily
c)    start using illegal drugs
d)    both a), b) & c)?

In my case I would have to answer d)

If I reflect on my life I’ve abused alcohol, solvents and drugs and the question I keep pondering do I have an addictive personality or have I used these things as coping strategies. I’ve recently been confronted by a series of incidents that has forced me to take responsibility for my actions and to say yes I have a drink problem and yes I have abused drugs and in particular cocaine.

I’ve noticed a pattern, when my depression free falls I find it so easy to crawl inside a bottle for comfort, that temporary escape and the short lift in mood has by far out weighed the danger of mixing alcohol and prescription medications. Then there’s been the cocaine; the euphoria of the drug and the feel good factor have masked the tendency to become addicted. Even though it may start as something social and in small amounts, it soon becomes a need to use more of the drug more often and not socially anymore.

The alcohol and drugs seem to cleverly mask the negative impact and the temporary lift in mood is the only thing that registers, our illness can make us very selfish. I missed the fact that to maintain the mood I would have needed to use more and more. I doubt that the negative impact it also has on friends and family is considered. What happens when the temporary mood lifts? Many of us aren’t able to work and the cost to maintain these negative habits can be crippling.

At one point in my illness I used cocaine as a negative coping strategy; I kept it from my partner and used it when ever I had to deal with a low mood my rationale was that my medication wasn’t working anymore. I honestly believed that was the case in the beginning but the more I used it the longer the low mood was maintained and the depth of the depression went to all time lows, even when I attempted suicide. The guilt was welling up inside and was tearing me apart, this just compounded my depression and I became more and more ashamed of my “secret”. The fact is my mood wouldn’t have lifted if I’d of continued self medicating, my antidepressants wouldn’t have worked properly and I would have had me an addiction.   

My partner found out purely by chance but I’m so glad she did, the burden that was lifted that day was immense. The repercussions of my secret were tough I left the home for a while and there were moments that my relationship was on the verge of collapse; I’ve now stopped drinking and no longer use drugs. You probably think I’ve stopped for the sake of my family? Nope I’ve stopped for myself primarily and second for my wife and kids; that sounds pretty selfish? The reality is I needed to be accountable for my actions and take responsibility of my life. I believe that saying I’m doing it for my family, is really saying I’m stopping but it wasn’t my choice. It’s so easy then to revert back to the bad habits and self justify by saying I was made to stop.

So how I am feeling now? I’m still on enough medication to drop an elephant but I’m feeling alright; ok I’m not naive and the chances of have a dip are quite high but I’ve got hope and feel positive. It feels as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I’m not feeling confined anymore.
I think suffering from depression for me is likened to the moth drawn to bright light; I seem to be drawn to negative thoughts things and I try to hold onto it as much as possible. I’m not sure if this makes sense but I seem to be more comfortable with negative than positive, maybe its because I’ve been suffering for a long time.