One day or another

Cycling through London traffic stops me dwelling on memories of all the Easter's I've spent with her, but last year's Easter morning, the Easter chicks, flowers and pretty coloured eggs, is harder to shift.

It belongs to another time; it's different now, somehow more final. The violence of your last attempt broke something in me, and though you've survived, something's changed. Maybe it's the notion that this is in some way unusual or that this is some kind of emergency. Sister related disasters and emergencies are becoming routine in my life. It's strange to sit outside intensive care and know this. I filled a whole notebook that weekend – trying to reconcile the fact that you were both the pale-faced victim in intensive care and the violent attacker who nearly killed my sister.

I am now seven years in to your battle with mental health issues. I guess there was always going to come a time when I gave up thinking that I could stop this, save you, or that this was just a short term episode that would pass. Seven years seems both a very long and a very short time to decide this but I am 29 and I am going grey. Our dad sent me a congratulations card when you achieved a 2:1 for your degree and I realised that I did not want one for your PhD. All the costs add up and this last year proved to me that no matter what I do, even if I push myself to the limits of my own sanity, I cannot keep you well.

If you are affected by any of the issues discussed in this blog, there are lots of places you can contact for help and advice:

Rethink's Advice and Information Service can provide you with advice and information if someone you know is feeling suicidal. There is also support available for people who have been affected by suicide.
Rethink Advice and Information Service helpline: 0300 5000 927 or 020 7840 3188
Email: advice@rethink.org
You can also find factsheets about suicide from Rethink's Advice and Information Service at the Mental Health Shop.

If you have a brother or sister affected by mental illness, you can talk to other siblings online on the Rethink Talk sibling forum and find more information for brothers and sister at Rethink Sibs.

Samaritans provide telephone, letter and email emotional and practical support. Their volunteers are trained in supporting individuals who feel suicidal.Samaritans helpline: 08457 90 90 90 (24 hours)Email: jo@samaritans.org

Papyrus (prevention of young suicide) is an organisation that aims to prevent suicide in young people and to promote mental health. It can offer advice if you are worried about a young person who might be suicidal.
Papyrus HOPELine UK: 0800 068 4141