Difficult feelings: the second time around

Authors note: Since I wrote this, things have got better. I’ve spoken to my sister and she loves me and I love her so the next one I write will be more positive; things are levelling out. However, I thought maybe there’s a value in writing about the bad bits too – when you feel pushed to your limits and you’re not sure what will happen next.

This one is going to be worse than the last. Repetition makes things more concrete and this instalment's probably going to be the one I shouldn't write. The one where I admit how epically terrible it's been living through 7 years of my sister's mental health issues, and how damaging it's been for me, our family, and my relationship with my sister.

At the moment I'm angry. Angry with her specifically - and I know that it's not fair as she is not, and can not, be held responsible for the symptoms and effects of her illness, but at some points anger takes hold. The visible impacts on our family are heartbreakingly obvious. Our dad's aged suddenly and our mum sounds exhausted. I saw my brother cry and I'm still holding my breath and expecting disaster in every phone call. We are scarred. I know it's not her but her illness, but after 7 years the lines are starting to blur.

I'm not sure how long I should wait before I accept that things won’t go back to how they were; 7 years is most of her adult life. At some stage the sister that I knew before becomes simply a figment of my imagination. My sister is a girl with serious ongoing mental health problems and for now she is changeable. I've spent such a long time finding traces of the sister I knew in the wreckage, trying to identify with her unusual perceptions and delusions, that I'd not noticed how much had changed and how long it's been.

I need to take a break now to come to terms with this. I have to grieve for the years of my life I can't get back. I have to recover from the court summons, cocoons of clothes, vicious words and unpredictable behaviour. She's still in my nightmares and sometimes I fear her footsteps in the night. I've nothing to say to her right now. I tried everything I know. I tried living with her, to make the home she said she needed, but she not only rejected my attempts, but more importantly, didn't stay well. I just had to live with the increasing whirlwind of chaos and watch as she became more wild-eyed and erratic.

When she had her first episode, I always thought I would be able to be there for her all the way, but there comes a point when you have to look after yourself too. When you look out on all you love and see a wasteland, and you find yourself eyeing up bridges and not trusting yourself on station platforms, you know there are limits to human endurance and that love can take you beyond them. When you also think of all the "sorrys" that will never be said, then you can see how at some point, people might reach their breaking point.

I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I ever thought I could be and my return is dependent on me having a sufficient break to recover. Last time I saw you, you were wired up and wired in Intensive Care. I took my flowers home and gave them to our mum. They weren't allowed in Intensive Care. I think on reflection she needed them more. She had to see you end up in hospital when she's already lived through the death of her father and her brother to suicide.

I sent you an Easter present. You sent me thanks but that's not enough yet. I don't know how to forgive you right now. You are unlikely to repay all the times I was there for you despite you. I have too many injuries and not enough apologies to make it anywhere close to ok, let alone balancing out. I want to make a home for myself, settle down and have a family and right now I need some space to figure this out before I see how we can fit back in one another’s lives.

Editors note:

If you, or someone you know, are feeling suicidal, we feel it is important that you talk to someone. Either speak to someone you know and trust, or call your crisis team, your GP, 999 or one of these numbers:

Samaritans www.samaritans.org
08457 90 90 90 available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Saneline www.sane.org.uk
0845 767 8000 6pm-11pm everyday

Crisis Line 0800 028 8000

If you are a sibling and you want to know how to help your brother or sister who is feeling suicidal, you can download our factsheet: How to a sibling someone who is suicidal
and you can find other information for siblings on the Rethink Siblings website and in the sibling factsheet section

We also have factsheets for anyone affected by suicide in the mental health shop including:
Suicide prevention factsheet - for if someone you know is feeling suicidal
Dealing with suicidal feelings - for if you are trying to cope with suicidal feelings yourself