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To tell or not to tell

07 July 2008 | 01:29 PM

Ebony

Topics: Someone who has experienced mental illness, Family and friends, Stigma and discrimination, Recovery, Social issues

I have the much dreaded dilemma of whether to disclose my illness to a friend or not.

My daughter has been having play dates with a friend from school and I have become friendly with her mum.I am now concerned about ruining the relationship if I get ill.This has happened to me in the past.I walk a delicate tight rope between acceptance from others and being shunned.I wouldn't want my illness all over the school playground or my little girl's happiness disturbed by bullying.

Do I trust my instincts and say nothing? The other mum has trusted me to take care of her little girl after school and during the holidays when she is at work.

I could just stoop to stopping them seeing each other but that isn't fair either. So I'm stuck to saying nothing for now.
I've discussed it with my CPN but she was no use saying it was my decision and society was full of difficult choices for the mentally ill.My partner is just praying it'll never happen and burying his head.

Stigma ,it's a small word but you dont really understand it until it prevents you living a normal life

The thing that bothers me most was the reaction I got when I first became ill, I lost my friends who didn't understand, I lost my family mum and dad took it very badly my mother took it upon herself to inform my sons' school and all the teachers. She then told all the neighbours and I had to move house. I didn't see my extended family for ten years and it wasn't until I became a local councillor that they accepted me. This is possibly my only friend in ten years, talk about putting your eggs in one basket! So I am left with the question to tell or not to tell and risk making a mess of my little girl's life as well as my own.

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To tell or not to tell?

I am also have problems with mental illness. I suffer from Psychosis and I hear voices and see things that are not really there. I was voluntry palce in a mental health unit. My family and freinds were and are very supportive and have taken a keen possitve role in my care and treatment. I do have some freinds who have looked upon my illness as a bad thing and did not want to know me. I have adopted the attudude that I don't care about what they thing, I am who I am and it's not my fault that I have become mentally ill. I do think that menatl health has become more accepted as so many peole have it. As some one pointed out earlier many celbs have menatl have issues. I think that it's important for us to stay strong and don't let those who are agaist mental health get us down. I do think that there are so many great charities and organisations out there that are doing a great job! I would like to wish you all good luck and rember to stay strong

2. At 11:06 PM on 10 April 2009 cecilia wrote:

a patient

hi, i have schizoaffective illness, my doctor told me that i can't have babies...is it true?. I can't socialize, i am always at home doing things, only talk with my husband and sometimes chatting with my mom. I practice sports everyday with my husband. I'd like to have friends but i am afraid being a bad friend or be hurt by friends. How can i improve my social life.

3. At 03:51 PM on 29 January 2009 Mark Lupine wrote:

To tell or not to tell ?

What a great article and follow up comments. I'm currently debating whether to tell one / some of of my best friends that I have paranoid schizophrenia. He knows that I was in hospital about 5 years ago for 10 weeks and I casually (ha-ha) dropped it into the conversation that I may have paranoid schizophrenia but we didn't really discuss it after that. I don't think I could cope with losing him as a friend but I don't want to skirt around the issue when he asks "how are you ?". Do I lie and say I'm fine, or do I tell the truth i.e. well actually I've spent the last two weeks believing I have bowel cancer when all I had was a bit of diarrhoea.

4. At 11:31 PM on 15 November 2008 nala wrote:

tell or not to tell

I agree with David Giles, although you have become close with this friend, unfortunately people who have little knowledge of mental illness become wary when faced with someone who does have an illness. If you feel in yourself that you are able to cope with your friends child then i see no reason for her to know, enjoy the friendship as it is you are well - make the most of it! I have schizophrenia, my husband, mum and siblings are the only people who know, i live my life the best way i can and manage with a full time job which i love, i dont see any reason to jeopardise the life i have created.

5. At 03:50 PM on 13 November 2008 blob36 wrote:

To tell or not to tell

With employment it's best not to tell, as long as none of your behaviour at work gives management a cause for concern. Good to have a few close friends you can share the illness with honestly. Looser friends don't tell them a thing. Even be careful what you tell doctors when passing through the health service for various treatments. Use gentle descriptive words, not stereotyped emotion -laden terms.

6. At 12:43 PM on 23 October 2008 Steve McNay wrote:

Disclosure?

I manage a mental health service, having worked in the field for nearly 20 years. I am also a carer - my partner has a mental health diagnosis and other family members have experienced mental ill health. Whilst I can only offer an opinion, people may like to listen! I have met upwards of 600 people within my work who have mental illnesses of various descriptions. It appears to me that those people who are able to accept their illness, be open and honest about it (both the positives and negatives) and manage the responses that they recieve tend to find life easier. One of the most important parts of my work is to challenge the stigma and discrimination that is often experienced - by being honest and open, people have to look at their own attitudes and are often surprised that people who they viewed as 'normal' were experiencing mental illness. If you are hiding part of who you are, this compounds negative views of yourself, potentially leading to further anxieties / negative thought patterns / etc. and preventing 'recovery'. Whilst this is not the case for everyone, it does seem to be a significant issue for many people. One of the other posts mentioned the Stephen Fry programme, which brought bi-polar into the open - attitudes are slowly changing towards mental illness and people being able to acknowledge the diffiuclties, explaining the realities and, hopefully, being supported in this by people who matter, can only help this process. It must be an individual choice, but wouldn't it be lovely if we got to a place where people could be themselves without fear.

7. At 08:46 PM on 06 October 2008 Life Goes On wrote:

To Tell or Not

I can understand your situation completely. I've been reluctant to tell friends about my schizophrenia (diagnosed in 2002) and to get into a relationship. I have recently talked about my illness to a good friend after having a bad time at work. She was very understanding and this has given me hope that I can be more open about my mental distress.

8. At 04:30 PM on 09 September 2008 Miller wrote:

MCI and APD

I had to retire from work with MCI. That's Mild Cognative Impairment and now I have APD. Gosh why the abbreviations? - this one is Auditory Processing Disorder. So I have no mobile phone and rarely use the phone unless I know who I am telephoning, have a clear message and then end the conversation. If the telephone rings, I let it. Yet this does not mean I sleep all day. I am quite active on three comittees and two Voluntary jobs. So if you have either MCI or ADP or both, then think poisitively and see what you can do. This is what I am up these days: www.millercaldwell.org Best wishes to you all Windy Miller

9. At 07:30 PM on 15 August 2008 Barry Smith wrote:

Tell or not tell

It is my wife with the mental illness and she has had this for a long time and it is surprising the number of regular contacts who had not noticed her problem. If you feel that the need to tell is not there then say nothing but those who become real friends take this in their stride or that is our experience. Be sure that these are real friends and it could easily be that they have experienced mental illness and readily accept it. Basically play it by ear.

10. At 02:39 PM on 07 August 2008 Tracey wrote:

To tell or not

My brother suffers from a severe mental illness and living ina small rural community has been faced with similar predicament to you many times over the years. I can only speak from my point of view has a close family member. I have two children of a young age and for many years my worry was that if locals knew about my brothers illness then my children would be bullied. My brother has lost many friends but has also gained much support from others. I made the decision to be open with my children from a young age and have explained as much as I possibly can about my brothers illness. They are very open and understanding and I know will be the same with anybody suffering from mental health problems. They are well equipped to cope with the stigma that comes with this and I am so proud of them and my brother who is also now very open. I can't help you decide whether to tell your friend but I do believe that the majority of people would be more accepting if their understanding of mental illness was better.

11. At 05:32 AM on 15 July 2008 Arna Meldrum-Knight wrote:

To Tell or Not

Yes, I understand your predicament. I too have a mental illness. However I have found that my friends have been able to accept me. In fact some of my friends have a mental illness too. Perhaps you could consider expanding your circle of friends so all ‘your eggs are not in one basket’. You’d be amazed how many people are out there who have enough understanding and experience to not stigmatize you. About your current friend and informing her, I can understand from your previous experiences and your daughter’s wellbeing at school, why you would hesitate so much. However if you could find a way to tell your friend that is clear and discuss how she can respond to you if you are ill again…maybe? I can’t be a judge of her capacity to take in what you tell her and wether she would react appropriately. Perhaps you could broach the subject and see how she responds? Good-luck

12. At 02:27 PM on 07 July 2008 David Giles wrote:

To tell or not

My wife has serious mental health problems and we are constantly faced with such questions. My advice would be NOT to tell people unless you really have to. Most of my family are happily ignorant of my wife's issues; the few who do know the full extent do not gain a great deal from it. Talk about it using generalities if you wish - but it would seem a shame to put at risk this relationship without actually having to. Good luck and best wishes.

To tell or not to tell

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