Stop the world - I want to get off...

It all happened very suddenly I thought at first. However the warning signs were there long before it actually all fell down around me. Every time this happens, I berate myself for not recognising these warning signs-after all, I have had this illness long enough. Though to be fair to myself, I guess lots of people experience this? Relapses creep up on you bit by bit until all of a sudden you are overwhelmed by them and then the fight begins...

Fighting a relapse is very tiring-mentally and physically and it is vital that you have the right support to help out when necessary. I don't think that people who haven't been there can really appreciate exactly what it feels like as it is so difficult to explain. It feels like a huge vortex opens up inside you and you have to fight to keep yourself from being sucked in and drowned in it. It is terrifying. That is why support is so vitally important to ensure that you recover from these relapses.

I am currently receiving support from the local mental health services- a different team from that in which I work. I thought that it would feel awkward but they have been wonderful and for that I am very thankful indeed. You often hear a lot of negative stories about mental health services in the media but I have only positive things to say about the treatment and support that I have received.  I think it's important to acknowledge good services as it encourages staff to continue providing good services and makes their jobs more rewarding. As a worker in mental health services myself, there is no greater reward than seeing someone recover and to know that you helped them to get there.

I have discovered the absolute depths of depression during this relapse and have never felt such strong desires to die- ably 'assisted' by voices. It is only due to the help of services and my family that I am here writing this as I couldn't see any way out of it other than by taking my own life. However what has really struck me (and hurt me) is the discovery of who my real friends are. Or not as the case may be. The trouble is that at this moment in time, I feel very alone and it is a shame that I now discover that some friends are 'fair-weather friends'. You know- the friends who love it when all is well but don't want to know when times are rough, yet expect you to be there for them if they are unhappy?

There is nothing like having a mental health problem for showing you who your true friends are. I think that friendships are vitally important for good mental health. The way I see it is like this- a farmer tends his crops all year round- ploughing the land for the crops, planting them, fertilising them- not just paying attention at harvest time when their yield can be gathered in but caring for them all year round. Just as real friends should be there at all times- not just to reap the rewards, but to be there when times are more difficult and less fulfilling. Friends of those of us with mental health problems-and other problems too,  should be there to carry the candle of hope for us when we are unable to do so ourselves and to pass it back to us as we recover- never allowing that flame to go out. Good friends can really aid recovery-even by the simplest of means. Sometimes just a text message is enough to let someone know that they are being thought of and provides some solace to them when they most need it. Depression is a lonely place to be and it is very difficult to pull oneself out of it without the support of others.

There is also that ugly old dragon-paranoia. Paranoia raises it's vile head and feeds on depression and is further fuelled by the absence of true friendship. It can make one feel frozen out and isolated even when there is no malice behind it. It is like when someone has experienced a bereavement and nobody knows what to say so they cross the street to avoid having to say anything to them. Empathy is a wonderful thing but it should be a reciprocal thing- just as friendship should be.

So think before you cross that road...