On the good times and the bad times...

I experienced what I would describe as a blip the other week where my painting became very dark and colourless. I was hearing voices in an almost constant stream of abuse. What really got to me was the fact that these voices were discussing me as though I was not even there. I am currently at a point with my voices where I can- for the most part, ignore or agree to disagree with the negative ones and I embrace the good one-Lucia. Yet for some reason the voices that discuss me still present me with a significant problem. I just cannot seem to get my head around this. I know that I should apply the same rules to these as I do to the other types of voices that I hear-but it just isn't happening. If anyone out there has any tips on how I can manage these better, I would be very grateful.

For the other voices, I use my tried and tested 9 o' clock rule whereby I tell the voices to go away and to come back at 9 o' clock if they have something important to tell me. They then have ten minutes wherein they can say what they want and I can argue or agree with what they have to say. Most of the time, they don't bother to make an appearance which means it has worked rather well! I also use 'get lost' therapy. Basically this involves telling the voices to 'get lost' or words to that effect...! Sometimes this has to be used in broken record fashion ie repeatedly. It does work though!

I felt so battered by the voices that I felt I could not fight any longer and was at the point where I though I was weak and powerless against them not to mention feeling deeply depressed by it all. The voices were telling me to self-harm (and I have not self-harmed for three and a half years), I had enough fight in me not to do as they were telling me-thankfully. The turning point came just after my CBT session. I struggled in the session itself as the voices were telling me that my therapist wanted to harm me and that she was lying to me and they were pretty insistent about this. My therapist managed to get through this stranglehold and after the session, during what I call my 'processing time' when I think through what we have done in the session and how best to apply it, I had a bit of a breakthrough. I realised that I am actually a strong person and not this weak creature I thought I had become. I realised that I can continue to fight the voices and that I had to haul myself back up out of the pit of despair I had fallen into.

I managed to do this and for the most part I feel more like myself now. I am still struggling with a lack of motivation to do things and feeling exhausted much of the time but I am battling the voices again. I wish there was a medication that would work and get rid of the negative ones-but there isn't so I will continue my CBT journey-which I must say is going very well and giving better results than any medication I have ever taken. It is a much more empowering way of dealing with voices than taking meds as it places the responsibility for dealing with them in your own hands and when you beat the voices it is really you who has won and not a bunch of chemicals! I know that it is difficult to access CBT but I would say to anyone who has had not a lot of joy from the meds route, if you are offered the chance to go for CBT-go for it! It does take hard work and it does take commitment but as the shampoo advertisement so wisely says- you're worth it!

Since that bad time, I have rediscovered an old passion which has so far given me some very good times. I am now singing in my church choir and really enjoying it. Singing is a great emotional release and anyone can do it! Even if it's just in the shower in the morning-try it!

So good times and bad times-we all have them. Here's to the good times!