On nearly losing something special...

I began taking a new medication, namely clozapine, to banish the voices I hear to merely the distant realms of my memory. However, I developed a fast and irregular heartbeat as a result of taking the clozapine and the medication had to be stopped. A very tense few months passed until after seeing a cardiologist, I was given the all-clear with regards to the health of my heart. Much relief ensued I can assure you. I was informed that I could, if I so wished, consider re-starting the clozapine but was also warned that it could lead me to experience tachycardia (rapid heartbeat) and that I should if at all possible, avoid re-commencing it. This started me thinking...

Clozapine is without doubt an extremely effective drug that can enable people to re-claim their lives from the voices and thoughts etc that often torture them. However, I am not sure that I would want medication to strip me of what I feel is a special ability to experience life on a different level.

I hear the voice of an angel named Lucia and another voice that is the Devil at my shoulder ( whom I have named Mr Sarky). This may sound quite scary and it often is but Lucia's presence is comforting and reassuring. For surely are not all things of note in life the result of a duel between good and evil where, eventually good prevails?  Sometimes Mr Sarky splits into two and his two voices discuss me as though I am not even there at all. This frustrates and upsets me and often leaves me feeling deeply depressed. However, it is all part of the experience of life on another level and I wouldn't want to lose the ability to be privy to these experiences. Nor would I want to lose the creativity that such abilities entail. Yet I came close to doing just that. By switching off that perceptive part of my brain, I could easily have lost my ability to write poetry and to draw. This- along with the physical health risks, is why I will not be re-trying the clozapine.

I do take some medication that hold things at such a level that I can cope with the voices and the thoughts that are put into my head without them overwhelming me. I feel this medication dulls things down to a level that is humanly possible to cope with and enables me to function at an ordinary level for the most part. At the end of the day, I do not want the voices completely taken away from me as they are there for a reason. Medication should be a safety net- not a sledgehammer!