Old friends, new perspectives

I decided to get in touch with Matt. We had been good friends throughout school, and because of their shared taste in music, he became friends with my brother, who is two years older than us. Matt and I had lost touch since I finished my A-levels (14 years ago), but we recently found each other via Facebook. I emailed him to ask if he would like to meet up to talk about Alex, and he said yes! He also brought along his long-term girlfriend, Sonia, who was one of my closest friends at the time that Alex became ill, and who I had also lost touch with.

It was so great to see them both. We had a really good reminisce about school, people we knew, etc. I felt really nervous about broaching the subject about 'Alex', but eventually I took a deep breath and started to talk...

I told him about what had happened to Alex and what his current situation is. Matt was shocked, and deeply upset. I asked him if he was aware of any changes in Alex around the time before he became ill, and he said that he didn’t notice anything. He said that he felt that Alex always had a 'bit of an edge', but then he said that "So did I - we were all listening to grunge and full of teenage angst".

I asked him was he aware of what was happening when Alex became ill. He said that he knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what. I recounted a story whereby he and another of our friends were in my bedroom. My mum came in and whispered to me that Alex was having an 'episode', and for me to bolt my door. I remember them asking my why I had bolted my door, and I made up some silly excuse. I always thought he would have remembered this, as it must have seemed very strange, but he didn't. However, he did say that he would come to visit and wouldn’t get past the doorstep - that either myself or my mum would make up an excuse as to why they couldn't come in. If they asked to see Alex, we would say that he had gone out, but they said they knew he was at home.

Then one day they came around to see him and I told them that he had gone to live in London with our uncle. He said that after that, they just stopped trying...I feel awful about how I handled it. I didn't do it because I felt embarrassed about Alex's illness - I was trying to protect him. I felt that if I was in Alex' situation, I would want people to think I had gone away to university and was doing well for myself. In hindsight, I feel that it was completely the wrong approach to take - I would have wanted my friends to rally around me. I guess that I was 16, with all the hang ups that 16 year olds have, and it was also a very difficult time - there was so much else to deal with.

We talked quite a lot about how ill Alex currently is. Matt said that he felt really sad about it, and what a terrible shame it was that it had happened to him - how unfair it was. He said that he had always looked up to Alex - that he was "in awe" of him. He said that he always thought that Alex was really cool, and how intelligent he was. Most importantly, Alex introduced Matt to the music that they both still love today. Matt told me lots of stories about Alex and it was so lovely to hear them - I haven't been able to remember any good times with Alex for a very long time....

Strangely, Matt’s girlfriend, Sonia, always knew about Alex’s illness, but had never told Matt. She recalled how often I used to have to cancel her coming to visit at the last minute as I had had to lock myself in my bedroom due to one of Alex’s episodes. It’s funny because I have no recollection of this - I think there are a lot of things from that period of time that I have blocked out.

 So what did I learn from this catch-up?

Firstly, that it was wonderful to see these two people who had been such good friends to me, and I feel sadness that I had lost touch with them for so long.

Secondly, I have learned that people are kinder and more understanding than you often expect. Not once did Matt look horrified or uncomfortable by what I told him. I never felt that he was judging me or Alex, or my family. All he did was express his sadness about the situation. So you shouldn’t try to second guess how people will react.

Thirdly, regret that I never told them the truth when it was happening – I am sure they would have provided much needed support.