Izzy's blog: Meds

It can take a lot of trial and error to find something that works, or you might get lucky and find the right one first time, either way there are a lot of different antidepressants out there so if you are prescribed something and you don’t think its right for you then don’t give up hope, and don’t be afraid to ask your doctor if you might be able to try something else.Anyway, this is how it’s been for me...When I first went to see my GP about my depression she prescribed me fluoxetine (aka prozac). I’d take it in the morning and a couple of hours later I’d get a rush of happiness, a sudden wave of good feeling that came from nowhere but felt great. And then throughout the day I’d dip down again, especially when I was on my own, but as soon as anybody spoke to me I’d perk right up and beam at them and be a little ray of sunshine. On the outside I seemed happy, but inside my thoughts and feelings were still dark and even though I seemed to be in a good mood it wasn’t real, and it made me feel confused and uncomfortable.

Next came citalopram; after a few days on this I was giddy and hyperactive, laughing incessantly for no reason at all, full of energy, utterly restless and a total insomniac. I felt good, but at the same time it was very unnatural and I wasn’t in control of my actions. I didn’t stay on citalopram very long.

Then there was venlafaxine, which was something of a breakthrough. I made slow but steady progress on it, increasing my hours at work and becoming more sociable and more active, and generally a bit more talkative and cheery. After a while it seemed to stop working and so my dose was increased, and I was also prescribed tryptophan – a natural amino acid which the body uses to make serotonin. In combination the two picked me up again. However its good effects also wore off after a while and I went through a very bad time last summer, I was withdrawn and panicky and severely depressed, I didn’t eat, my weight dropped back down to borderline anorexic and generally all was not well. So the dose was upped yet again, which brought horrible side effects with it; night sweats and blinding headaches and brain zaps (electric shock like sensations), it made me very sleepy and drained my energy and I generally felt really unwell on it.

After coming off the venlafaxine I had a break from meds entirely over Christmas, and I felt fairly cheerful and energetic and confident for the first time in ages, in fact I thought I was “better”. This lasted for about six weeks, until quite recently, when I felt everything starting to crumble again and realised that I wasn’t really ok. So on to antidepressant number four; sertraline. Its early days yet, I’m still in the nausea, headaches and shakiness phase whilst my body is adjusting to it, but fingers crossed once that settles down and it starts to take effect it will just give me that little bit of an edge, a slight lift to help keep the demons at bay.

I’m hopeful but I’m not expecting miracles, they’re not magic pills. They can’t fix everything, or take away all the darkness, but they can make things feel a bit easier, and they’ve been a great help to me in getting my life back on track after a total meltdown.