To tell or not to tell

07 July 2008 | 01:29 PM

Topics: Someone who has experienced mental illness, Family and friends, Stigma and discrimination, Recovery, Social issues

I have the much dreaded dilemma of whether to disclose my illness to a friend or not.

My daughter has been having play dates with a friend from school and I have become friendly with her mum.I am now concerned about ruining the relationship if I get ill.This has happened to me in the past.I walk a delicate tight rope between acceptance from others and being shunned.I wouldn't want my illness all over the school playground or my little girl's happiness disturbed by bullying.

Do I trust my instincts and say nothing? The other mum has trusted me to take care of her little girl after school and during the holidays when she is at work.

I could just stoop to stopping them seeing each other but that isn't fair either. So I'm stuck to saying nothing for now.
I've discussed it with my CPN but she was no use saying it was my decision and society was full of difficult choices for the mentally ill.My partner is just praying it'll never happen and burying his head.

Stigma ,it's a small word but you dont really understand it until it prevents you living a normal life

The thing that bothers me most was the reaction I got when I first became ill, I lost my friends who didn't understand, I lost my family mum and dad took it very badly my mother took it upon herself to inform my sons' school and all the teachers. She then told all the neighbours and I had to move house. I didn't see my extended family for ten years and it wasn't until I became a local councillor that they accepted me. This is possibly my only friend in ten years, talk about putting your eggs in one basket! So I am left with the question to tell or not to tell and risk making a mess of my little girl's life as well as my own.

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To Tell or Not

I can understand your situation completely. I've been reluctant to tell friends about my schizophrenia (diagnosed in 2002) and to get into a relationship. I have recently talked about my illness to a good friend after having a bad time at work. She was very understanding and this has given me hope that I can be more open about my mental distress.

2. At 04:30 PM on 09 September 2008 Miller wrote:

MCI and APD

I had to retire from work with MCI. That's Mild Cognative Impairment and now I have APD. Gosh why the abbreviations? - this one is Auditory Processing Disorder. So I have no mobile phone and rarely use the phone unless I know who I am telephoning, have a clear message and then end the conversation. If the telephone rings, I let it. Yet this does not mean I sleep all day. I am quite active on three comittees and two Voluntary jobs. So if you have either MCI or ADP or both, then think poisitively and see what you can do. This is what I am up these days: www.millercaldwell.org Best wishes to you all Windy Miller

3. At 07:30 PM on 15 August 2008 Barry Smith wrote:

Tell or not tell

It is my wife with the mental illness and she has had this for a long time and it is surprising the number of regular contacts who had not noticed her problem. If you feel that the need to tell is not there then say nothing but those who become real friends take this in their stride or that is our experience. Be sure that these are real friends and it could easily be that they have experienced mental illness and readily accept it. Basically play it by ear.

4. At 02:39 PM on 07 August 2008 Tracey wrote:

To tell or not

My brother suffers from a severe mental illness and living ina small rural community has been faced with similar predicament to you many times over the years. I can only speak from my point of view has a close family member. I have two children of a young age and for many years my worry was that if locals knew about my brothers illness then my children would be bullied. My brother has lost many friends but has also gained much support from others. I made the decision to be open with my children from a young age and have explained as much as I possibly can about my brothers illness. They are very open and understanding and I know will be the same with anybody suffering from mental health problems. They are well equipped to cope with the stigma that comes with this and I am so proud of them and my brother who is also now very open. I can't help you decide whether to tell your friend but I do believe that the majority of people would be more accepting if their understanding of mental illness was better.

5. At 05:32 AM on 15 July 2008 Arna Meldrum-Knight wrote:

To Tell or Not

Yes, I understand your predicament. I too have a mental illness. However I have found that my friends have been able to accept me. In fact some of my friends have a mental illness too. Perhaps you could consider expanding your circle of friends so all ‘your eggs are not in one basket’. You’d be amazed how many people are out there who have enough understanding and experience to not stigmatize you. About your current friend and informing her, I can understand from your previous experiences and your daughter’s wellbeing at school, why you would hesitate so much. However if you could find a way to tell your friend that is clear and discuss how she can respond to you if you are ill again…maybe? I can’t be a judge of her capacity to take in what you tell her and wether she would react appropriately. Perhaps you could broach the subject and see how she responds? Good-luck

6. At 02:27 PM on 07 July 2008 David Giles wrote:

To tell or not

My wife has serious mental health problems and we are constantly faced with such questions. My advice would be NOT to tell people unless you really have to. Most of my family are happily ignorant of my wife's issues; the few who do know the full extent do not gain a great deal from it. Talk about it using generalities if you wish - but it would seem a shame to put at risk this relationship without actually having to. Good luck and best wishes.

To tell or not to tell

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